Because I could not stop for death....

I got knocked up instead...

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I can't even imagine....

CULLMAN, Ala. - A New Orleans woman has given birth while fleeing Hurricane Katrina. Donyelle Jean Jacques left New Orleans Saturday morning, one of 49 members of her family trying to flee. When the family is finally able to return, there will be 50.

As the family drove north in an eight-car caravan in Alabama on Interstate 65, Jacques, who was pregnant and past her due date, started having labor pains. Her boyfriend, Wilbert Joseph, said he was scared as he drove the car that Jacques was in.
He said he kept turning on the car's caution lights to try to let other family members know what was going on.
"I didn't know what to do," Joseph told The Cullman Times.
Jacques' mother, Michelle Jean Jacques, said by the time the line of cars pulled off at a motel in Cullman in north Alabama, they had called ahead for an ambulance that arrived shortly after they did and took her daughter to the hospital.
At 4:07 p.m. Monday, Jacques gave birth to an 8 pound, 10 ounce girl, Jade Leshelle Joseph, at Cullman Regional Medical Center. While excited about Jade's birth, the family is dealing with the despair of knowing their homes in the eastern section of New Orleans are mostly likely flooded and that all of their belongings possibly destroyed.
Joseph said they left home with only a few changes of clothing, hygiene products and a few pictures.
Watching television coverage of the destruction caused Tuesday when two levees surrounding the city broke flooding an estimated 80 percent of New Orleans, Jacques said she recognized a neighborhood near hers.
"All you could see were street signs and the tops of houses," she said. "My grandpa owns his own house and he's worried."
Belongings likely destroyed by the flood waters include a new set of baby furniture covered with Looney Tunes characters, bought in anticipation of Jade's birth.
Family members don't expect to see their neighborhood any time soon.
For now, the rest of the family and dozens of others are being sheltered at the Cullman Civic Center by the American Red Cross
Beverly Denson, director Cullman County Chapter of the American Red Cross, said Wal-Mart is donating clothes for the baby. When Jacques and Jade are able to travel, the family plans to head to Orlando, Fla., where they have relatives.

Does anyone have suggestions for where a canadian can send some baby items for other people?

Friday, August 26, 2005

Oh, I forgot....Mommy doesn't get sick.

I can barely even speak to my husband lately.

We've ALL had the flu. It happens. He's been home with the kids, and sick some of the time. I've been very good with coming home, doing half days, letting him sleep in by working later shifts.

What do I get for all this?

Sweet fuck all.

Do I get to sleep in? HA! He works overnights 3 times a week. He couldn't possibly get up early some day so I can get some rest, despite the fact that I tell him to take naps when I'm around, and go out of my way to let him sleep. Do I get to sit and be sick and whiny? NO. I get to listen to him complain about how he feels. He thinks, gee, I must handle being sick better then him. Heh. NO. Not a chance. But I have no one to complain too that gives a flying fuck, I can't sleep it off and get shit done, I have to go to work, so I just deal with it. I sit here feeling faint and shaking because there is no other choice.

And to top my fanfuckingtabulous week off, we had to do "professional" dress at work (we're normally casual-whatever that is). A year ago, not a big deal. At this point-a BIG fucking deal, since every single item of clothing I own, except for 4 shirts and 2 pairs of pants are OLDER THAN MY CHILDREN, and some items older than this relationship. And most of the "dressier" items, and falling apart, missing buttons, plain worn out. So I say I really need to buy some clothes, I have nothing to wear really, I've had nothing in a long time, I just had another baby, new clothes would be nice. I never do fuck all for me.

All he does is bitch about money, and how I'm always needing things.

Who quit smoking to save $300.00 a month? That would be me.

Who rarely, if ever buys anything for herself that can't be thrown in the grocery bill. yeah, me.

Who purchases 98% of the items for the kids. Ooh, good guess, ME.

Who spends around $75 every few weeks on comics. NOT ME. I spend about 40$ bi weekly on coffee and the odd lunch out. Oh, and some of that is spent in thrift stores for the kids.

Come on ladies-do you feel me on the clothes issue? I feel like such a fat ugly fucking beast lately, nothing makes me happy, I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm just plain sad and apathetic, and I get nothing from him but a report on the state of his bowels. I barely get two words past that. I come home early from work to mow the lawn and maybe spend 10 minutes with him before the kids are home and he just gets mad since the lawn mower is really loud, and will interfere with his noodling.

Oh, I'm sorry. Since I have almost ZERO time for me, I don't give two shits.

Oh, but you know what? I bet all these feelings I keep having oh, I dunno, every two fucking weeks or so about just getting a fucking divorce, these feelings are just hormones or the pill or something. It can't POSSIBLY be him being a fucking asscrap now could it.

The worst is, if I just tell him all this, he'd never just be there for me. There would be excuses, and promises to change, and more bullshit. And I'm finding that increasingly, I just don't fucking care...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Everything Ends

So it's taken me a few days to recover from the finale of Six Feet Under. I was just so totally overwhelmed by it.

It really hit home how cyclical everything really is, and made me realize, more than ever, how very brief the time I have is.

But what really got me was the idea that you see your loved ones in the second you die, looking vital and alive as they did when you knew and loved them.

I'd like to think that when my Dad dies, he sees my Mother, young, and vibrant as he passes.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Yucky 'atoes

What's better than being puked on once by your two year old?

Being puked on TWICE by said two year old.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


In a nutshell-jerkoff exhusband, bedrest working young mom with no resources.

Please, if you can spare it....


She's Canadian. She rocks. She totally represents the artist as mommy persona for me, and I love her.

GO buy her books. She's worth it.


All the gold has drained

from the light; and these leaves,

littering the grass, caught

in its tangles, where

did they come from?

There was a black horse, one evening,

across a fence, who followed us

a length of the road--

I must have been asleep

all summer.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Help Daddy!

I've been having a conversation revolving around Daddy support, and the difficulties that a friend is having with her giant container of sperm right now really nailed the thought in.

The Dorf basically says that it sucks for the non-pregnant person because it's not real for them until it's HERE. He tells me that his best advice for him, is to start sucking it up now, and begin to digest the imminent changes.

He also wanted to point out that despite the inital reaction of blaming the woman, the man should avoid this at all costs.

He had advice for women too. Don't be vague. Guys work well with specifics. If it's the bathroom you just can't stomach to clean, tell him directly. Use small words.

And sometimes, plain old "yes dear" works, along with just getting the hell out of the way.

It's sad because despite the increasing presence of men throughout pregnancy, the increasing numbers of men taking paternity leave or becoming stay at home parents, it's REALLY hard to find useful information and advice geared at men. He's looked. It's weird enough for him when he takes the kids to play, and the women stare at him like he's a kiddie raper.....

It's really difficult for the guys during pregnancy, and during parenting. Any advice for my cranky, newly preggers friend and her hubby?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I just can't get excited....

I knew that with the second kid, things would be different. I wouldn't have the same time to devote to her, the same space wouldn't be available to watch her. But I never thought that I'd have so much trouble liking her.

And it has nothing to do with her. She's cute and does neat stuff, but I just don't get all fluttery about her.

Perhaps when she's more human and less sponge....

Thursday, August 11, 2005


I know I rarely say it, and sometimes
the look in my eyes makes you
cross over and sigh but

the violence with which I want to
protect your sense engulfs me and

Lord I love thee child...

Thinking Thursdays: Emily Dickinson

In honor of me stealing the line from my all time favorite poem of her's, here's my second favorite (and it's HARD to choose!)

I died for beauty, but was scarce

Adjusted in the tomb,

When one who died for truth was lain

In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?

“For beauty,” I replied.

“And I for truth,—the two are one;

We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,

We talked between the rooms,

Until the moss had reached our lips,

And covered up our names.

Who was she? She was an american poet in Mass who basically became a bit of a recluse. (I tend to think she had ADD, but that's just me) She became easily overwhelmed by other people, and preferred her own company. Some individuals have tried to sell this as because of heartbreak. I've always viewed Emily as someone who just couldn't handle people.

She only published 7 pieces while alive, and no one really "saw" her genius. I fell in love with Emily as a child, one of the first poets I even loved. As Kris said, she had a genuine talent for perception of the moment, trapping time in phrases. I've loved Emily's writing because it has always made me think, and as I grow older, still does.

I read these to my daughters in the hope that one day, they'll love her too.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Note to self: Do not watch Six Feet Under shortly before going to work.

For those of you who did not watch last nights episode, it might be a good thing, it might be a bad thing. I spent the hour crying as I fed my youngest daughter.

Not only was this one of the finest renditions of what actually occurs when someone you love dies, but it dealt with a numerous amount of issues well, and together. For me, I deal with memories of my Mother's funeral and wake, and what it was like at home. But suddenly, as Brenda tried to figure out how to tell Mia her Daddy was gone, I could feel myself detach, and become more than one.

Part of me saw my father, lost and afraid and wondering how to talk with his daughter about her lost mother. Part of me saw my Mother's parents, watching their daughter, their baby, who they created and birthed and fed and created, now cold and silent in a box. Part of me saw myself, holding my own arms, trying to stay upright and strong, and failing so fucking miserably.

Everything is so much more vivid once you have children. I suddenly, drastically saw and felt what my father went through, and what my grandparents went through. I felt it like a keening banshee in my chest, saw my children, imagined what it would be like if I had to tell them Daddy wasn't coming home, or if he had to tell them Mommy was coming back. The dull ache of loss that never, ever relents. I saw a picture of my father, alone, choosing caskets.

And I also saw, that if my children precede me, I shall not survive it.

Monday, August 08, 2005

How to have a crap birthday party

  1. Invite people who don't come.
  2. Have a child delirious from fever.
  3. Copious amounts of mosquitos and wasps.
  4. Small babies.
  5. Anything from Fisher-Price. (why in the HELL are those things tied down better than a woman in an S&M club?)

I always feel like I'm failing my kid because I don't know how to make nice with other parents. So she has no real friends. The sitter was ill, the one kid Viv plays with got in trouble and wasn't allowed to come, other people forgot.....

the goth fairy dress is too small, and I ended up taking Vivian to the hospital for the fever. After sitting there for 4 hours, they told us to go home because aside from a virus, nothing was wrong.

At least the doctor was cute....

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Happy Birthday Hunny Bear...have some more Tylenol

So today is Vivian's party, as she is turning two next week. And guess who's running a fever and asking to go to bed every 30 minutes....

the poor thing. She NEVER gets sick. She has had ONE ear infection, and a few minor, 24 hr things, but nothing like some parents (mine included) ever go through. And since we have no car, going to emerg is like landing on an occupied beach. It has to be very carefully planned, so we spend the entire day wondeirng if we should go, because lord knows I hate going to emerg just so I can be given the "lunatic paranoid mommy" look.....

sigh...I want today to be fun for much for that....hopefully I can at least get her goth fairy dress on her!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

MUST READ: A Little Pregnant

ESPECIALLY today's post. This blog is ALWAYS insightful, witty and poignant, with just the right amount of "hey, up yours!".

GO read it. NOW!

Yucky Water

"More water"

"ok. Hold on"



"Tank you mommy"

"made a mess"

"yeeeaaahhhhh. You did"

"more water?"

"suck it out of your shirt dear. There's enough there."

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

SOMEONE take me away

Ever have a craving to just jump off the bus, RUN to the nearest highway and stick out your thumb?

I'm SO having those feelings lately. And it's terrible, I know. I have two wonderful kids (in theory) and loving husband(again, a theory) a house, an ok job, we're not broke, but getting by....

WHY do I feel so bloody unfulfilled, lonely and sad? Why do I hate my kids most of the time?

I crave time where NO ONE bothers me, where and can sit and play my "goddamned games" on the computer for 5 hours straight if I want, because I want to. But apparently, I'm not allowed this?
Yesterday was a holiday in Canada. I was planning on coming to work since, well, it's more of a break than being at home. It was raining, and there are no buses in this idiot place on holidays, and a walk taking an hour each way wasn't looking fun in the rain. So I stayed home, wanting a little time to myself. Meaning-if the kids want to see me fine, but I don't want to have to worry about them at ALL for a few hours. I need time where I am beholden to no one else, don't I?

Well, apparently, this can't happen, even when I ask. For someone who says we should have a sitter an extra day so I can have a break, he's not willing to just watch them so I can sit and read or play or do whatever for a few hours. Of course, he has a day a week that is his......

Add to this EXTREME menstrual pain, headaches, sickness (flu) and a general lingering rage, and I'm about to lose it completely. I don't want to go home, it's just more fucking work. And he doesn't get it. He says go out-yeah, me and the buttons in my pocket can go somewhere....even coffee is a $5.00 endeavor anymore......

I just....I want the depression to lift, and it won't. It can't, because there is obviously no room in my life for me anymore....and Im beginning to wonder exactly what the point is.

Vivian Dianne Sara
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