Because I could not stop for death....

I got knocked up instead...

Thursday, June 30, 2005


This post on RedMum almost got me crying. She talks about having a crazy fight with her 13 year old daughter.

I lost my mother to breast cancer in 1989. I was 11, going on 12. Part of me is forever 11. Part of me will always associate my mother with adjustable beds, those kidney shaped puke bowls, jaundice. The inevitable look of death she held those last few months. That last conversation we had that I cannot remember, aside from pushing her in a wheelchair. Did I block out the words? Did she tell me how much she loved me, but that the cancer was non-negotiable, would not relent, and was slowly eating her? Did she just sit, quietly, watching the daughter who was so unaware of how much her world was about to shift? Did she search for the words that don't exist?

I used to listen to girls, and now, women, complain about their mothers. How callous they are, how mean, how lazy, how cheap. All I hear is why they dislike their mothers.

Girls, Ladies-you know not what you do.

One day, your Mother's will no longer be here. I cherish my father, even when he drives me insane, because it's the little habits that make him lovely, and memorable. I don't remember most of my mother's, which is harder. Nor do I remember her voice, or her touch. I would love to have a fight, any kind of conversation, even a bad one.

Remember that. Someday you might miss all the fights you'll never have.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

'It was ready for a steak."

OMG. It's MASSIVE. Baby girl weighs in at nearly 14 pounds
Newborn nearly double the weight of average baby. Thank GOD there are C-Sections....AND she was three weeks EARLY.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I wonder...

If I could be half as brave as she is.

Friday, June 24, 2005

I'm torn

Half of me feels pity for this guy, the other half, rage.

Pity because he asked for help once, and didn't get it. He knew he was sick. He knew he was a threat. He knew it was just a matter of time. He was aware enough to know he would hurt someone. And no one helped him. No one watched him. And he did the bad thing he knew he would, and now, he seems truly repentant, and truly out of control. No one was there for him, no one stopped the inevitable.

Rage because regardless, he raped a child. My rage tells me to stone this man.

But mostly, I think he wants to die, because he vividly knows what he's done.

It would be easier if I could just hate him.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I'm her...

I'm THAT woman now.2 years ago this day, I was FREAKING out, pregnant, worried about labour, birth plans, how would I be a parent, talking to EVERYONE about it, reading tons of books...Suddenly, I'm that woman for others.It's such a neat cycle, and being able to pass on what I've learned, it's kinda cool. My top things:

  • Your body knows what to do. Really, it does. You could go squat in a field, and most likely push out the puppy. It will hurt, but you can do it.
  • It's not pain as you know it. Yes, it hurts, I can't argue that. But it's not "I just chopped my hand off and threw it into some Chili at Wendy's" pain. It's pain with a purpose. Let yourself use the pain as a guide. It's pressure, and it's working with you. Relax and let your body do it's job.
  • Try to avoid the drugs-all of them. For my first, I was induced, and then needed the epidural. I felt weird and icky for days, I progressed WAYYYY to fast(I was only induced because my water broke without contractions, and I was stupid enough to go to the hospital 5 hours after that-I could have waited at least 12). My second, I had NO drugs because I went from nothing to birth in one hour, 50 minutes. Oh, that HURT alright-I will never rid myself of the image of an oyster being shucked as the head crowned and popped out. But I was just fine two seconds after, and I have a better sense of what happened after, and my body recovered quicker.
  • Do NOT blindly follow the doctor. Sadly, many want YOUR birth to accomodate their lives. Mine wanted to induce for the second because she was overdue past the ultrasound date. The ultrasound date said March 1. MY date, based on my cycle, was March 11. I knew that the baby would be fine to 42 weeks, which to me, would occur much later. AND as much as I wanted her off my bladder, I didn't want to interfere. I've never heard of a baby NOT coming out. And on her own time, according to MY calculations, she arrived March 9. DO YOU RESEARCH on methods, drugs, procedures. Come to your own conclusions, with the help of your doctor. For instance, in the hospital where I've given birth both times, the OB/GYN's tell women they don't need birth control if they breastfeed. Which is NOT true, and so the nurses run behind them telling women to NOT listen to that. (in this day and age of women supplementing, it's too big a risk). So educate yourself, and have an open dialogue with your doctor.
  • Enjoy your pregnancy. It's the COOLEST thing you'll ever do. I look at men all the time and say "I can make AND feed people. What can You do?" :)

I wish I was good at science. I'd LOVE to be a midwife.
I'm going to post this on both blogs, since it relates to both parts of me, and I'm WANTING to post on both, and I don't have the topics

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Why is it....

that men can TOTALLY ignore things right in front of them? The Dorf (my husband) sat in the kitchen one day as Vivian shared her crayons with the baby(i.e.-shoved them in babies mouth) and didn't notice a THING. Only when I, from the other room, noticed that quiet (moms, you KNOW what I mean) and got up, did he even look around...then the conversation went sorta like this..
me: "um, HELLO! Crayons in Rosalyn's mouth?!?"
him: hm wah?
me: She was feeding the baby crayons.
him; Really? That's kind of funny....
me: stomps out of room

Is there some weird man gene, that allows things like this, along with mess on walls, food being thrown, fingers in sockets, etc, to be ignored?

Tell me, what the stupidest thing your partner has ignored with the kids?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Gross Things my kid does

  • Eat Soap (not sure why it's "num-nummy")
  • Poop in the tub AND play with it.
  • Chew on food, drop on floor, resume eating with fuzz
  • Eat fuzz on it's own
  • Wipe snot on me ("boogey nose")
  • Grab my underpants out of the laundry and wander around with them on her head.
  • Eat Play-Doh

She just won't get out of the oral phase-EVERYTHING is nibbled at least a tiny bit...

and Gigantor won't sleep through the night...sigh...

Saturday, June 18, 2005


Although this is a mommy blog, here's a big HUG and dirty face toddler kiss to all the Daddy's, AND all the Mommy's who are Daddy out there!

And to my Dad! I LOVE you more than anything in the world! Your knowledge of exactly how much rope to give me has always been appreciated!

Have a great weekend Mommies!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Accident Prone Worry Poll

So I've had this discussion with a few Mommy friends, and I'm wondering if we're alone in this, since I'm thinking more Mom's feel this way than talk about it.

We live in a world where EVERYONE is almost too paranoid about things-where sometimes we're too eager to stop the kids from hugging eachother at school, or messing around and have a guy wear a dress to the prom. And while in some ways, these are good things, I wonder...

I have one of those klutzy children who seems to bruise easily like I do, so her legs are covered in bruises. That got me to thinking. If I had to take her to the hospital because of one of her many dances down the stairs, I would be scared to do so out of the fear that they will think I'm beating her, and take both kids away.

Anyone else feel like this too? I know it's stupid, but I can't help it, and surprisingly enough, so do the women I know...

Times when a beating to death is warranted.

On the news they had a shot of the father carrying his dead son (see story below as well), the head blurred because that's where he was shot. I cried for most of Rosalyn's feeding because of this.
Normally, I believe that the courts should deal with things. But there are two things that make me believe in eye for an eye.
  • ANY type of child abuse-sexual, physical, emotional. With proof, these people should be taken into a field and beaten to an inch of their lives, made better, beaten again, and suffer through this until they do die. These people do not deserve to foul the ground or air we walk on. And I speak as a childhood survivor of sexual abuse.
  • ANY thing like this, or Beslan. People who are so damaged that they resort to using children as shields or collateral-THEY should be SLOWLY drawn and quartered.

Why do I feel this way? Because there are certain crimes that are unforgivable, and in many cases, the courts give more jail time in fraud cases than child rape. I feel this way because some people are so damaged that they cannot be fixed. And yes, I feel this way because sometimes, I want revenge...


A 2-year-old Canadian boy was shot dead yesterday in the Cambodian tourist town of Siem Reap, the sole fatality after a day-long hostage crisis in a local school that triggered a massive security operation.
For a few fleeting hours yesterday, the eyes of the world were riveted on the yellow schoolhouse where masked gunmen held 70 foreign children and three teachers captive.
The drama seemed to end peacefully as the rescued children rushed into the arms of their parents from Japan, Australia, America, Britain, Ireland and other countries.
But for Martin Michalik, who arrived in this sleepy Cambodian tourist destination just a few months ago, there would be no homecoming for his 2-year-old son Maxim.
He soon learned his only child had been shot dead. Police quoted the gunmen as saying the boy had cried too much, but the grieving father said today his son's only mistake might have been that he went looking for his favourite book.
As little Maxim sought out the book, the bandits picked him up as a human shield.
"He was only 2 years old. He didn't understand what was going on," Michalik said in a telephone interview from Phnom Penh, the capital, where he arrived early this morning. "He was looking for a book he wanted to read."
Then he was shot in the head.
Michalik, 37, said that after talking to one of his son's teachers, he believes Maxim died in the hail of bullets after security forces raided the school in which he had just enrolled.
"The SWAT team started shooting, and that's how Maxim got killed. We don't know when this actually happened, but I think it was at the end. Supposedly it was accidental. He was not executed."
Michalik and his wife Michaela, both Slovak-born Canadian landed immigrants, said their son was born in Victoria, B.C., in 2003 while Michalik was working at a resort in British Columbia. They are taking the boy's body to Bangkok today and then to Slovakia for burial.
Prime Minister Paul Martin called Maxim's death a terrible tragedy. "It's quite clear that our hearts go out to the family. It is virtually incomprehensible, and I know that I speak for all Canadians when I say to the family that our thoughts and our prayers are with them at this time," Martin told reporters in Ottawa yesterday afternoon.
Michalik had moved his family to Cambodia a few months ago to start a new life as resident manager of a sumptuous five-star hotel, the Hotel de la Paix — the Peace Hotel — scheduled to open this summer.
Like other expatriates who have settled in this boomtown, they chose the Siem Reap International School, which employed security guards and the best teachers.
Now, police suspect disgruntled security guards may have been involved in the attack, hoping to ransom the children for cash, arms and a getaway vehicle. As the day wore on, the kidnappers released half of their captives, but the youngest — including Maxim — were kept behind.
Police raided the classroom and subdued four kidnappers after they "threatened to kill the other children one by one," Information Minister Khieu Kanharith said.
Mobs attacked the bandits in the aftermath, but police subdued the crowds and arrested the kidnappers, all Cambodians in their 20s.
Cambodian police later arrested a security guard suspected of masterminding the hostage-taking, officials said today.
The guard, 29-year-old Ul Samnang, worked at a souvenir shop and did not take an active part in the hostage drama, Siem Reap police chief Phoeng Chenda told Reuters.
Canadian diplomats declined yesterday to provide many details about the boy's death, saying they were bound by law to protect the family's privacy and that it was too early to know more about the attackers' motives.
Cambodian police said they gave the kidnappers a minivan and $30,000 (U.S.) in cash, but attacked the gunmen when they tried to escape.
"We could barely control the angry crowd," military police officer Prak Chanthoeun said.
Maxim was born after Michalik and his wife Michaela moved to Canada from Polynesia, said Markus Griesser, who worked with Michalik at the Aerie Resort and Spa, a five-star operation on Vancouver Island.
The family stayed in Canada for a year and a half before setting off for the Bahamas when Michalik was offered a job at another resort, Griesser told the Toronto Star's Scott Roberts.
Griesser was devastated upon hearing about the tragedy yesterday. He described Maxim as "perfect" and struggled to find the words to express his anguish.
"They are just outstanding people," Griesser said of the boy's parents. "They were completely dedicated to their family. I couldn't begin to describe how cranked up they were to have a son. He meant everything to them."
Griesser described Michalik as a good father who was looking forward to introducing hockey to his young son. "You could always see him and Maxim heading to the rink," he said.
Only a handful of Canadians live in Siem Reap, site of the 800-year-old Angkor Wat archaeological ruins that have been designated a world heritage site, according to Phloeun Prim, a Cambodian-Canadian who runs the Auberge Mt. Royal hotel.
Prim, who helps out at the Canadian Embassy as a volunteer in times of emergency, and who will soon be enrolling his own daughter in the school, said Siem Reap's tourist industry is now in a state of shock.
"It's a peaceful and quiet city. Nothing bad ever happens here," said Prim, who watched the Michalik family cheerfully take up residence a few months ago. "Now the news has spread around the world already."
Tour guide Saron Soeun, who spent hours outside the school yesterday, said he now feared for his own job. "All the tour guides are worried there won't be any more tourism in Siem Reap after this," he said.
Anxious to avoid any fallout for the industry, Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen told reporters the attackers did not belong to any "terrorist network."
In Ottawa, Conservative Leader Stephen Harper also offered his condolences. "Obviously it's very difficult for us to really imagine how the parents feel today, but they can be assured that they do have our thoughts and our prayers with them today."

Thursday, June 16, 2005

what would you do?

How on earth...

do I let them go in 20 years?

How will I ever survive if something happens to one of them? Or worse, me? My mother died when I was 11, and I know how it affected me-how could I ever live with (or die with) the thought that I'm abandoning them?

Because I lost my mother, I will forever wait for the phone call telling me something is wrong. I love them so much it physically hurts, and I'm so afraid of having my heart utterly and totally broken if something was to happen. My heart has been broken in the past, but I've patched it together out of some strange will to live and keep growing. If something went wrong with them, I don't think it could be patched again.

But I made a decision that if the options are open my heart and take the chance, or never let my guard down and show them how I love them, that I'd rather the first. I want them to know, regardless of anything else, that I completely and totally loved them.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Can I trade this thin skin for a shell?

Why is it that my feelings have gone from black and grey and white to total technicolor? Is it the hormones? Cause all I know is that I can barely keep it together anymore. I want to cry all the time. Just thinking about anything hurting my children, and I want to start bawling. Looking at them as they smile with that complete and utter trust, it almost breaks my heart, knowing that someday, it will be ruined.

Is it just me, or is this a Mom thing?

SQUISHY! I'm huge and SQUISHY! Posted by Hello


So, my darling three month old is a whopping 15 pounds 13 ounces.

Even the doctor couldn't believe it. And she STILL isn't sleeping through the night.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Why me?

So I have two kids. Not that strange really-lots of people breed. The odd part is, I didn't try. I got pregnant through misuse, or idiocy both times. The second being a mercy session I didn't pay enough attention to.

I often wonder-why me? I never wanted kids, I've NEVER felt that maternal urge to procreate, never wanted anything other than a bunch of kitties. I sit on the bus today, and I hear these woman talking about their friends and daughters who want kids, and can't have them, tried for years and nothing, no reason, just no kids. I think of my friends who want babies so badly they can taste it, and nothing.

And yet I get pregnant without trying, or thinking about it.

This is why I can't believe in gods-because if there were any, then the people who want children, who can provide for them, they would have the children.

But on the other hand, maybe I am a better parent than they would be.

Or maybe it's all just shit luck.

Vivian Dianne Sara
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