ALL ALONE-SIX FEET UNDER

Note to self: Do not watch Six Feet Under shortly before going to work.

For those of you who did not watch last nights episode, it might be a good thing, it might be a bad thing. I spent the hour crying as I fed my youngest daughter.

Not only was this one of the finest renditions of what actually occurs when someone you love dies, but it dealt with a numerous amount of issues well, and together. For me, I deal with memories of my Mother's funeral and wake, and what it was like at home. But suddenly, as Brenda tried to figure out how to tell Mia her Daddy was gone, I could feel myself detach, and become more than one.

Part of me saw my father, lost and afraid and wondering how to talk with his daughter about her lost mother. Part of me saw my Mother's parents, watching their daughter, their baby, who they created and birthed and fed and created, now cold and silent in a box. Part of me saw myself, holding my own arms, trying to stay upright and strong, and failing so fucking miserably.

Everything is so much more vivid once you have children. I suddenly, drastically saw and felt what my father went through, and what my grandparents went through. I felt it like a keening banshee in my chest, saw my children, imagined what it would be like if I had to tell them Daddy wasn't coming home, or if he had to tell them Mommy was coming back. The dull ache of loss that never, ever relents. I saw a picture of my father, alone, choosing caskets.

And I also saw, that if my children precede me, I shall not survive it.