Because I could not stop for death....

I got knocked up instead...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Note to self: Do not watch Six Feet Under shortly before going to work.

For those of you who did not watch last nights episode, it might be a good thing, it might be a bad thing. I spent the hour crying as I fed my youngest daughter.

Not only was this one of the finest renditions of what actually occurs when someone you love dies, but it dealt with a numerous amount of issues well, and together. For me, I deal with memories of my Mother's funeral and wake, and what it was like at home. But suddenly, as Brenda tried to figure out how to tell Mia her Daddy was gone, I could feel myself detach, and become more than one.

Part of me saw my father, lost and afraid and wondering how to talk with his daughter about her lost mother. Part of me saw my Mother's parents, watching their daughter, their baby, who they created and birthed and fed and created, now cold and silent in a box. Part of me saw myself, holding my own arms, trying to stay upright and strong, and failing so fucking miserably.

Everything is so much more vivid once you have children. I suddenly, drastically saw and felt what my father went through, and what my grandparents went through. I felt it like a keening banshee in my chest, saw my children, imagined what it would be like if I had to tell them Daddy wasn't coming home, or if he had to tell them Mommy was coming back. The dull ache of loss that never, ever relents. I saw a picture of my father, alone, choosing caskets.

And I also saw, that if my children precede me, I shall not survive it.


At 1:03 AM, Blogger Joker said...


At 1:10 AM, Blogger Barbara said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. My biggest fear is dying and my beautiful children never knowing how much I love them; with every single fibre of my being. And to lose a child would be a hell I could not face. That is the day my heart would stop beating.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with such intense pain. There are times when there are no words of comfort and this is one of those times.

At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Anthony said...

I agree, life is more 'dangerous' and 'real' after having children. Now I sound like a man who just reminds his son to be safe and don't talk to strangers.

At 4:00 PM, Blogger thordora said...

somedays it's just too real, and it sucks.


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