Because I could not stop for death....

I got knocked up instead...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

SOMEONE take me away

Ever have a craving to just jump off the bus, RUN to the nearest highway and stick out your thumb?

I'm SO having those feelings lately. And it's terrible, I know. I have two wonderful kids (in theory) and loving husband(again, a theory) a house, an ok job, we're not broke, but getting by....

WHY do I feel so bloody unfulfilled, lonely and sad? Why do I hate my kids most of the time?

I crave time where NO ONE bothers me, where and can sit and play my "goddamned games" on the computer for 5 hours straight if I want, because I want to. But apparently, I'm not allowed this?
Yesterday was a holiday in Canada. I was planning on coming to work since, well, it's more of a break than being at home. It was raining, and there are no buses in this idiot place on holidays, and a walk taking an hour each way wasn't looking fun in the rain. So I stayed home, wanting a little time to myself. Meaning-if the kids want to see me fine, but I don't want to have to worry about them at ALL for a few hours. I need time where I am beholden to no one else, don't I?

Well, apparently, this can't happen, even when I ask. For someone who says we should have a sitter an extra day so I can have a break, he's not willing to just watch them so I can sit and read or play or do whatever for a few hours. Of course, he has a day a week that is his......

Add to this EXTREME menstrual pain, headaches, sickness (flu) and a general lingering rage, and I'm about to lose it completely. I don't want to go home, it's just more fucking work. And he doesn't get it. He says go out-yeah, me and the buttons in my pocket can go somewhere....even coffee is a $5.00 endeavor anymore......

I just....I want the depression to lift, and it won't. It can't, because there is obviously no room in my life for me anymore....and Im beginning to wonder exactly what the point is.

4 comments:

At 11:26 PM, Blogger Raven said...

Get thee to a doctor my dear. I had similar symptoms and feelings. The doctor put me on a low dosage of Zoloft and after a few months things started getting better. You sound mildly depressed (children and husbands and work do that occasionally) talk to your doctor about it.
Hope you feel better!

 
At 12:55 AM, Blogger Joker said...

one tight hug coming your way! *HUGS*

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger thordora said...

I know....I made an appointment, but I find that I'll be ok on the day of, and then I begin to minimize it, or I start feeling like they're looking for some obscure criteria, and they keep quizzing me about it because they either don't believe me, or they want to commit me.....

I know it's still the postpartum...

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Raven said...

Go fpr the being committed and consider it a vacation! ;-)

 

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