Because I could not stop for death....

I got knocked up instead...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

When is it over?

How do you know when your relationship is dead?

Is it when you feel only dread at the thought of going home to him?

Is it when every conversation becomes at least a little fight?

Is it when not even sex makes anything better, not even a little bit?

Or, is it when you realize that those feelings you once had in your chest no longer reside there, and haven't been replaced with anything but sadness and a vague echo?

We keep trying, and trying and trying, but I can't help feeling that we're working against the tide. We don't make any progress. We keep assuming that something will change and make it better. Changes occur. Nothing gets better. We're both constantly resentful of eachother, and despite understanding and dealing with the viewpoints of the other, we stay mad.

This feeling I have, it's....it's not good. I'm not angry, he hasn't cheated or broken our vows. I just, I don't think I love him like that anymore. And I don't mean that hungry, lustful love, I mean that quiet together love. I don't have that anymore. And it's sad and boring and ultimately, I think it hurts more. Because it feels like I should be able to fix it. And I can't. Anymore we've drifted apart, and I don't think either one of us wants to meet the other halfway.

And it's just quietly sad. Knowing that eventually, we will leave eachother.

I thought we were soulmates once.

6 comments:

At 9:51 AM, Blogger Kris said...

Ahh... you do have a way of rending my heart with your pain... I have no words that could possibly help... but know that I care...

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger the rocker mommy said...

My marriage was like that. We were together for almost 11 years, but by year 7, I *knew* that one day we would split up. And it wasn't like we didn't love each other, it's just that sometimes that's just not enough. I was bored, money was unevenly distributed (I made it, he spent it), and things just weren't like they were when we first got together. We were glorified roommates at times and I resented so much about him and him me. Just like you, that quiet togetherness had drifted too far from our grasp.

It's so sad, but when it does happen (if you can't find that place again) there will be so much relief. Just try and get to a place where you can be friends afterwards, for the kidlets... I know that's what you'll try to do, but it's worth the reminder anyway.

 
At 1:49 AM, Blogger Joker said...

*HUGS*

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger thordora said...

Thanks guys....

Rocker, it sucks doesn't it? Somedays are ok, and almost feel good, but most of the days....

We never planned on kids, and this is why. There is now just so much "STUFF" between us, time, anger, resentment, lost dreams.....It's taken 7, almost 8 years for him to realize he's not going to be some recording engineer superstar, nor can he hide in his studio all day. It's taken him this long to even begin to appreciate what I do for him.

The only problem is, I gave up long ago. You can only throw paper at a wall for so long before you realize there's no glue...

I just don't know...I almost left him once.....and it scared me....

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Nat said...

You guys need to try couple councelling. You can't take-on the relationship by yourself. It takes two to make things work, you know?

 
At 1:35 AM, Anonymous CJ said...

Do you ever talk to him about this? Life changes a lot of things over time - I've been married six years and God knows I'm not the same person he married. I know of people who divorced so that they could be happy and it truly was what was best for themselves and their kids.

I wish you happiness.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home

Vivian Dianne Sara
Lilypie Baby Ticker
Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker