Friends don't let friends have babies.

I don't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, I could. They're always available, until of course, I chase them away with loud, obnoxious industrial crap, and my general lack of desire for human interaction. Friends bother me. They WANT things. Things like time, and opinions that aren't correct...i.e. "That guy who said he loved you when he had a wife in Winnipeg who was preggers? Nah, that's cosmic. No WAY he's an asshole. Nope." They want me to be nice. Fuck that.

But then there is Diane (not her real name). When I was about 11, I was friends with her older sister, Joan. Joan and I went to different schools, I moved, shit happens. You grow apart.

I moved back to my hometown, and Diane was going to my school. She was weird, and seemed like a bitch (hey-it was grade 11 ok!) but she lived up the street, and was at least vaguely interesting, unlike the other 99.9% of people in town. I started conversation at the bus stop about some lame hardcore band, just to have something to say. Her mother had moved them to live with a boyfriend, a relationship that then failed, so they moved back. I had been living in the same vague area, so it was a start. (As a sidenote, Diane's mother is this incredible woman who I have TONS of respect for. BUT, she cannot pick a man for shit. What IS that?!?!?)

We hung out the rest of my time in high school, two peas in a pod. She had hung out with my old friends after I moved, we liked the same things, more importantly, we HATED the same people. She was on student council, and could get me out of class.

After high school, we both went on to school like we thought we should, and we both dropped out. No one told us we'd be paying 10,000 a year for boredom. She started doing her thing in film, while I, floated, flitted. I've never been able to choose one thing to do when I grow up. Seems so limiting. I had planned on being the crazy lady with cats writing poetry anyway.

For awhile, we both lived in Toronto, so we saw eachother. Of course, she has this irritating habit of making her friends like eachother, and I have two irritating habits,

1. I hate going out in public and meeting up with people
2. I don't like other people's friends, or being forced to meet them
3. I'm notorious at keeping appointments or plans.

Ok. That was three. My point is that I'm just as annoying a friend as anyone, perhaps more so. We didn't see eachother all that much, because of work, time, money, ickly boyfriends, etc. My job was moving to hell (aka NB, Canada) and I was suddenly busy as I was moving with it. She got mad because I couldn't go to her party before I left (however, she DOES know all about my party phobia-she chooses to ignore it sometimes). We didn't talk for at least 6 months. I was also honestly busy that night. She couldn't be bothered to just come have a beer with me, so fair is fair.

So I move. We keep in touch, sporatically as we always do. She does interesting things. I get pregnant. She visits, and with one kid, things aren't that different. Life is almost the same as it was.

I get pregnant again. She comes to visit.

Suddenly, I'm a mom this time. And she doesn't like it one bit.

See, Diane is a planning person. She' s a producer type person at work, so she spends her days planning, charting, coordinating, etc, etc. She cannot NOT do this. I on the other hand, work on a "we'll see what happens" kinda plan. Part of me is lazy, the other half likes the scheduale the kids are on. I can fuck with that later. Right now, my sanity is important.

Diane wanted to go places, see things, do stuff. I HATE doing stuff. I like sitting, and talking, and just chilling out. I've never understood why people on vacation want to do stuff. I can't wait to take a week off in a cabin the woods somewhere.

I could tell she was annoyed, and it sucked. I wanted to say "let's just go, I'll dump the kids on someone!" But I can't. We have no family here, and our sitter just quit (not like I could afford to pay her anyway) My life, for the moment, is constrained by my children. I don't mind, because it won't last.

I tried to explain it, but just as I didn't get it when I was childless, neither did she. She wanted ME, and sadly, ME just isn't available now the same way it once was. I know she felt the same gulf as well, and it was kinda, well, shitty.

I know our relationship will survive this, cause it's survived worse. I just suddenly felt so fucking grownup, regardless of anything else. She worries about paying rent. I worry about feeding my kids. I worry about the effect 9/11 will have on their lives. She babbles about peak oil. I find shopping for kids clothes at the thrift store fun. She can wear a kids size 14.

It just sucked to see, to feel that space between us, to actually see that she sits on the other side of a bridge that spans this river of change and maturity. She'll cross it I'm sure, in her own time. I just hope that she let's me hold her hand across it.