Because I could not stop for death....

For now

2006-03-07T09:26:00.000-04:00

I am temporarily suspending this blog. Too much going on.

Please visit my "regular" blog

Spin Me I Pulsate

A Conundrum

2006-02-08T13:39:00.000-04:00

Rosalyn turns ONE YEAR OLD in a little while, and I have absolutely no idea what to get her.

It wasn't this hard with Vivian. In fact, NO presents were this hard with her. The first child, you still seem to labour under this delusion that Lamaze toys really are worth 40.00, and that they textures will mean anything to a 3 month old. You don't really realize that most of the things you buy them, with either:

Be chewed on, licked and then thrown under the couch
Be totally ignored, except for the packaging
Not even be looked at until you are about to Freecycle it.

Now I know better. Now, I'm hard pressed to buy ANYTHING for Rosalyn, because I know that I might as well just throw money into the wind. Plus, it's likely that we already own the toy in some capacity.

This is also compounded by the fact that Vivian insists on playing with anything we get Rosalyn, and that they both play with toys in totally different ways. Vivian is more of an experimenter, while Rosalyn actually uses toys in the ways they are intended. In fact, that seemed really odd to us.

"Look dear, she's putting the pegs in the holes. WOW."

I also want the first birthday present to be something special, which I didn't do for Vivian. Instead, I spent 40.00 on this walking toy that NEITHER child will play with to this day. I thought she'd dig it. HA! She did, however, love the tag, and was very upset when I took that away.

So I'm thinking of something birthstone related, but not earrings since I think that's gross and if they have my ears, then they won't be able to wear earrings anyway.

Any thoughts?

2006-02-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

oh that's DAMN cool. Thanks to "The Other Mother" for the link.

Shopping for Baby

2006-01-30T08:57:00.000-04:00

Is it me or is there just WAY too much crap out there for babies? It actually seems more difficult when shopping for other people. I mean, really, what do they NEED?

Close friends of ours recently had twins, Eirik and Callan. 2 little boys. I have girls. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to shop for boys when you have girls? But at least there were no fiddley little buttons on the back of their polo shirts.

So what is it that you couldn't live without with your babies? For me, it was simple stuff like the imitation boppy I had, or the heating pad for the crib. Any other thoughts, as more people around me are ready for new births?

And send out happy thoughts for the new babies I know, Eirik & Callan, Ayden and Kenneth. And try not to cringe at the weird spellings. And what IS with all the boys?!?!

Things you'll Need

2006-01-24T09:27:00.000-04:00

Places you'll go, people you'll be
we're all here, in your arms, under
you legs, in the faces you make as
you walk past the Bay's lonely sales windows.

We hide among your wrinkled belly marks your
tired legs and toes
Sleep in is 8am you say
winking at the pine trees and finches.

things that you need? You need peace and
cheerios, cold comfort in the morning
you need slippers and kleenex and
a heart that cannot be broken so
simply

We could tell you to look to
your own hands, the lines the minutes you
will soon lose out on and wonder where they got to
we could tell you to gaze into tomorrow in wonder
or we could tell you that

no one could ever tell you, no one
could whisper or scream or tattoo
the agony the triumph or fear ,
the absolute devoted stare you will
soon come to possess.

It worked!

2006-01-11T09:44:00.000-04:00

So.

The other night was bad, for all of us. Vivian would NOT sleep in her own bed. Now, I know this is totally normal, but it was SO out of left field for her that we were totally thrown off. We yelled, we screamed, we stomped, and to my shame, I slapped my child.

There is only one other thing I feel ashamed of in my life.

It ended with me crawling into hed bed, and getting 2 hours sleep.

I vowed this would not happen again, and even if it did, I would NOT react. It was not the rational thing to do. I let my instinct guide me, and what happened was the ONE thing I did not want.

So instead, we formulated a plan. No TV in the afternoon. More playing. Listening to music. INTERACTING with us.

I had a nice bath with her prior to bedtime, let her "wash" Mommy, let her play drums on the tupperware.

She went peacefully to bed, and we fell exhausted into bed.

NOT A PEEP all night. In fact, when I left at 8, she was still asleep.

I feel so good knowing that rationality worked. I feel terrible about the slap however. Likely always will.

Hopefully, this works for the rest of toddlerhood too.

Things learned in the ER

2006-01-04T12:26:00.000-04:00

"Lifting your child by the arm to help them jump over the puddle is NOT a good idea."

The Dorf inadvertantly pulled Vivian's arm out from the wrist or elbow. I had the SUPREME joy of taking her in. I felt like they'd call CAS or something.

Vivian was happy. She got a popsicle AND a new toy after the (cute) doctor popped it back in and lectured me for a little while. The new toy is a lamb called "Boomie"

First time I've EVER been in and out of an ER in an hour.

Ah, the holidays....and kids and crap

2005-12-28T11:16:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile hasn't it? Well, between my other blog, Christmas, work, some knitting in my spare time and sleep, I haven't had much time.

Rosalyn is almost walking. I do not quite support this. She is not quite 10 months, which equals, not quite smart enough to NOT walk into the coffee table. (Of course, my 2.5 year old still does that so....) This morning, Rosalyn was crawling around, and stopped over my foot. At this point, she decides to slam her head down. On my big toe.

As some friends can vouch for, I'm not big on trimming my nails. Truth be told, I forget until my socks get holes in them. I do not spend an inordinate amount of time looking at my nasty feet. So of course she cuts herself (just a little scratch)

And BOY does she scream. Yes ladies and gents, that's my child. Mensa material I swear.

Vivian on the other hand, has learned that coffee DOES mean timbits. The girl LOVES Donuts. It's disgusting. She also loves to do dishes, as evidenced by the play kitchen I got her for Christmas. 100$ on other crap, and she LOVES the $10 sale kitchen. Go figure.

Vivian says she loves me all the time. It ROCKS.

The dorf has been off work due to a REALLY bad cold. Soon, I shall kill him.

BUT, he did get Christmas right, with a very cool sweater, my FAVORITE sex book of all time and a pedicure. SMART BOY. AND my Dad got me an easy button.

Blah blah blah. I'll post later in the week with something less like this. No free time with him working though!

CUTENESS

2005-12-28T11:10:00.000-04:00

Oh, got to kittens and scroll down.

CUTEOVERLOAD!

This made my day. Oh, and the EASY button I got for Christmas.

No KIDS Allowed

2005-12-07T11:15:00.000-04:00

I TOTALLY AGREE

I love this man. I shouldn't be able to take my kids everywhere, cause when I go out with my husband WITHOUT my kids, I want the quiet....

To him, it was a simple reminder to parents to keep an eye on their children and set some limits. But to some parents in his North Side Chicago neighborhood, the sign may as well have read, "If you have kids, you're not welcome."
That one little notice, adorned with pastel hand prints, has become a lightning rod in a larger debate over parenting and misbehaving children.
"It's not about the kids," says McCauley, the 44-year-old owner of A Taste of Heaven cafe, who has no children but claims to like them a lot. "It's about the parents who are with them. Are they supervising and guiding them?
"I'm just asking that they are considerate to people around them."
While he has created some enemies in his neighborhood, McCauley has received hundreds of calls and more than 600 letters, the overwhelming majority of them supportive. One letter-writer from Alabama typed out in bold letters: "In my opinion, you're a hero! Keep it up."
It is a sentiment that people feel increasingly comfortable expressing. Online bloggers regularly make impassioned pleas for child-free zones in public, while e-mailers have been forwarding a photograph of a sign in an unidentified business that reads, "Unattended Children Will Be Given an Espresso and a Puppy."
While it is common policy for upscale restaurants to bar children, owners of other types of businesses also are setting limits on kids.
The Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas, for instance, does not allow visitors who aren't guests to have strollers; hotel officials say it is to prevent crashes with other pedestrians. The Bellagio Hotel does not take guests younger than 18 without special permission.

McCauley has received hundreds of supportive phone calls and letters.
Some parents are fine with the limit-setting and complain that too many of their peers take their kids to places traditionally meant for adults, such as late-night movies and rock concerts.
Robin Piccini, a 42-year-old mom in Bridgewater, Massachusetts, gets annoyed when she has hired a baby sitter for her daughter, only to end up seated at a restaurant next to unruly kids.
"I am paying the same price so that I can have a relaxing dinner, but because there are lazy parents out there, my dinner has to be stressful and tense," she says. "How fair is that?"
Still, while they agree that some parents push the boundaries too far, other weary parents feel under siege -- and misunderstood.
"Don't get me wrong. As a parent, I have an arsenal that includes the deadly stare, loss of privileges and 'We're going back to the car, RIGHT NOW!"' says Angela Toda, a 38-year-old mother of two small children in College Park, Maryland. "But the bottom line is, there are certain moments that all kids and parents have -- and sometimes your kid is going to lose it in a public place."
She says she does not usually respond well to other people's interference, "unless it is a sympathetic look."
Parents in Port Melbourne, Australia, also were upset last year when a sign appeared on the restaurant door at the Clare Castle Hotel stating that children were welcome only if they stayed in their seats. The establishment has since changed hands and dropped the policy, which new owner Michael Farrant says makes no sense in a neighborhood filled with young families.
"I like the kids running about," says Farrant, a father of three, including a 2-year-old. "I know what it's like with a little one. Sometimes, there's no controlling them."
Still other business owners are creating separate spaces for kids and families, in an attempt to accommodate as many generations as possible.
All Booked Up in Suffolk, Va., is among bookstores that have separate sections where kids can play and rest. Many ballparks have alcohol-free "family sections." And a few restaurants have added separate dining areas for parents with children.
Zulema Suarez, a professor who studies parenting, applauds attempts to strike a balance.
"There needs to be a give and take," says Suarez, an associate professor of social work at Adelphi University in Garden City, New York. "Children don't need to be allowed to run wild and free, but they do need to be allowed to express themselves."
Too often, though, our cultural emphasis on freedom and individual rights gets taken to the extreme, becoming "a kind of selfish entitlement that undermines our ability to function as a civil community," says George Scarlett, a professor of child development at Tufts University in Boston.
"The rights of any one individual -- whether he or she be a parent, child or stranger -- do not negate the rights of others."

If they only had a brain

2005-12-02T11:08:00.000-04:00

We need to get a little activated about this. This is CRAP.

Morning-after pill privacy concerns raised

Canadian pharmacists are being advised to collect a woman's name, address, phone number and sensitive details about her sexual activity before dispensing the so-called morning-after pill.
The guidelines, put out by the Canadian Pharmacists Association, have drawn concern from women's health groups, which say the rules are discriminatory and raise privacy issues.
Anne Rochon Ford, co-ordinator of Women and Health Protection, a coalition of groups concerned about drug safety and funded by Health Canada, said she's not aware of any other behind-the-counter drug where pharmacists are asked to gather data before dispensing it, which "makes (the drug) look suspect and very loaded."
But Janet Cooper, senior director of professional affairs for the pharmacists' association, said the information is necessary to determine whether the pill will be used appropriately and effectively, since it doesn't work if taken more than three days after intercourse.
She said the information is to be kept in the pharmacy's computer "so that if she came in a month later for another one, that would mean she probably needs to be advised to get better contraception."
"We've been concerned about this since day one," said Abby Lippman, chair of the Canadian Women's Health Council and an epidemiologist at McGill University. "I think it's an invasion of privacy — why should women have to go through this?"
Pharmacists are also charging a "counselling fee" of about $20 on top of $20 for the pill, putting it out of reach for many women, she said. The fee is government-paid only in Quebec, Saskatchewan and British Columbia.
Health Canada moved the emergency contraceptive levonorgestrel, or Plan B, from being a prescription to a behind-the-counter drug in April, making it available to women of any age. A woman is required to ask the pharmacist for it so she can be counselled about its use.
The pharmacists' association immediately posted guidelines on its website. They include giving women a screening form to fill out that asks for personal identification, the time when they last had unprotected sex, the number of times they have had unprotected sex since their last menstrual period, and what form of birth control they use. The information should be stored in the pharmacy's computer, the guidelines state.
"These are highly personal, interrogative questions, and it's disturbing," Ford said. Women taking this pill are already under stress, and "the last thing they need is this kind of interrogation," she said.
"We are a bit stumped why they have gone to this degree," she said. "This is just so over the top, unnecessary and unproductive."
Most pharmacies don't have a private place to counsel women, so it must be done in public.
It should be up to the woman to ask for advice about taking it, Ford said.
The working group and the Canadian Women's Health Network are advocating that the drug be taken off the drug schedule completely so it could be made available at grocery and variety stores. That has the support of the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and other groups, Ford said.
Cooper said the guidelines aren't mandatory but "this is considered best practice. As an association, we can give guidelines but we can't dictate. If a woman actually did not want to provide this information, a lot of pharmacists are going to use their best judgment.
"If a woman was really uncomfortable, the first thing I would do was tell her that there is a code of privacy and the pharmacist has to keep it absolutely private," Cooper said, adding the goal is to make the drug available without a prescription but at the same time allow women to get advice from pharmacists.
While pharmacists have a privacy code, "nothing is private anymore" when information goes into a computer, said the health council's Lippman. "It's not a drug people are going to be abusing; it's not regularly used and it's not harmful if it's taken too late and she's already pregnant. The side effects are nausea and vomiting — nobody would want to take it regularly. There's just no reason for this."

Cutting the cord?

2005-11-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

Ok girls.....I've been thinking about a tubal ligation since the pill is making me REALLY fat, and no other options work for me.......can I have some feedback on experiences? I can read all the studies-I want some real opinons. What are the effects on sex drive? Your period? Your moods? Weight gain, or loss?

I'm trying to decide what I want to do. We know that even if we want more kids, we'd rather adopt older children, if or when we're in a position to do so. So that's not at issue. I'm concerned about the effects on me....

guys-feel free to add your views if your partner had one...I'm curious as to what the outward effects are...

When is it over?

2005-11-24T21:29:00.000-04:00

How do you know when your relationship is dead?

Is it when you feel only dread at the thought of going home to him?

Is it when every conversation becomes at least a little fight?

Is it when not even sex makes anything better, not even a little bit?

Or, is it when you realize that those feelings you once had in your chest no longer reside there, and haven't been replaced with anything but sadness and a vague echo?

We keep trying, and trying and trying, but I can't help feeling that we're working against the tide. We don't make any progress. We keep assuming that something will change and make it better. Changes occur. Nothing gets better. We're both constantly resentful of eachother, and despite understanding and dealing with the viewpoints of the other, we stay mad.

This feeling I have, it's....it's not good. I'm not angry, he hasn't cheated or broken our vows. I just, I don't think I love him like that anymore. And I don't mean that hungry, lustful love, I mean that quiet together love. I don't have that anymore. And it's sad and boring and ultimately, I think it hurts more. Because it feels like I should be able to fix it. And I can't. Anymore we've drifted apart, and I don't think either one of us wants to meet the other halfway.

And it's just quietly sad. Knowing that eventually, we will leave eachother.

I thought we were soulmates once.

C Sections are NOT your friend

2005-11-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

So this article regarding the dramatic rise in C-Sections was on CNN. I have always contended that there are too many C-Sections done, and in thinking about it, I'm beginning to believe I have the answer.

Women think it's easier.

Now, rationally that makes no sense, at least to me it doesn't. Major surgery prior to having to take care of a newborn does NOT sound easier.

But listen to the arguments some women given. You can scheduale it. Maybe I won't have bladder issues. My doctor is out of town. They won't let me.

The fact that many hospitals are now BANNING VBAC's drives me insane. The rate of uterine rupture during VBAC is 1%, so I would say it's about par with natural problems anyway. To prevent all women from VBAC because of this, because they might get sued (anyone who sues over this needs a swift kick anyway, but I digress)

BIRTH IS NOT A MEDICAL PROCEDURE. Is this why the US is going to hell in a handbasket? Because everyone, right up to birthing mothers, wants the "easy" way out? The body knows what to do. Sometimes, you need help, which thankfully, can be given. But why do people look at birth in the same light as getting their appendix removed?

Because we have no female support systems, no groups of older, wiser women to calm us and tell us about our bodies, and what they can do. We read medical journals, and yet refuse to listen to our bodies. Your body is MADE to create, support, birth and feed a child. So why will you not trust it?

I get so mad at this I swear...

Russell Yates: Jail Time

2005-11-09T14:06:00.000-04:00

I HEARTILY agree with this article.

i have suffered from PPD. I have wanted to kill my children. I did not because I had support. I do also know that if I have another child, I will likely cross that line because it will be just that bad.

Her "husband" admitted he never helped Andrea change a diaper. He wanted a large family. He apparently ignored all signs that something was wrong. She should not go to jail alone.

If he knew a friend was going to rob a bank for example, he would have a responsibility to tell the police. So why not help his wife? And anything I have seen or heard has NOT shown him as a caring husband-quite the contrary. He seems like he does not care in the least.

You wife was SICK you bastard. And you did nothing. She now lives in her own private hell, while you think about possibly taking another wife.

Nice.

When to go?

2005-11-08T10:08:00.000-04:00

So Rosalyn has this nasty, scaly rash on her ear, and raised bumps on her face. It's itchy, and looks rather gross, but doesn't seem to bother her. She isn't running a fever, not acting abnormal, eating and sleeping like always, and smiley.

So why do I, on some level, feel like a bad Mommy?

I know I should probably take her to the doctor. But I'm tired, coming down with a cold, and super busy. I can try and go to emerg, which is an automatic 4 hour wait since it's not life threatening. I could try a walk in, but they're only open after she usually goes to sleep. And I really don't think it's that bad. I think it's just eczema, and she's been blessed with her father's bad skin.

But I still feel this strange periodic blip on the momdar....

My Dad Loves the Crock Pot

2005-10-27T15:48:00.000-03:00

So my Dad is back to help-thank ye GODS. BUT, he has developed an unnatural attraction to the crock pot.

EVERYTHING goes in it. EVERYTHING turns the same icky purplybrown color. Everything smells ODD. I do not LIKE the crock pot.

On a good note-ROSALYN STARTED CRAWLING TODAY!

UPDATE: Know how long that cabbage smells hangs out in bed linens? 3 Days. Oh My LORD I cannot STAND the smell of cabbage...

Is it just my kid....

2005-10-24T17:18:00.000-03:00

or does everyone's kid run FULL TILT into the coffee table. 3 TIMES in one day? And STILL NOT GET THE HINT?

man.....

On a good note, the baby/toddler room share is going great!

EBay is evil.

2005-10-01T10:53:00.000-03:00

It's that time of year again when the girls need copious amounts of clothing. So as per usual, I log into EBay..

soooooooo wrong......Soooooooooo addictive.

And what I want to know is, what the HELL is OiLily, and WHY does it cost what a new kidney would for shoes????

My first venture into selling kids clothes as well. Cross your fingers!

The Parenting Contest

2005-09-29T21:23:00.000-03:00

I've come to realize a lot since I had my second daughter. I can't be everywhere, I don't have 6 arms, eyes in the back of my head or a terribly large bladder. I also came to realize that my kids are different, and cool in their own ways. They aren't necessarily "better" than other kids-perhaps they are smarter, or bigger or faster, but are they better?

I sat on the bus today in front of a young mother with her gorgeous little girl who was about 15 months old. It being the bus, and the girl being a young toddler, there were many "sit the bum down" comments. The mother became quite irritated. I KNOW that feeling.

I started feeling superior. MY kid would never be like that (yeah, RIGHT). I wondered if she was going to hit her. She didn't, but I saw that helpless rage burning.

Then I felt like shit. I've been there, so why did I feel so smug?

I see another lady a lot who lives in the low rentals up the road from me. Her kids are likely 7 & 9 maybe, and I think she does it all alone. She yells at them. A LOT. But if it's just her, and she's exhausted and tired and just can't do it anymore, is it bad parenting, or a shitty stick? I felt superior, then I felt terrible for thinking she was a bad Mom. I should have offered helpo instead of thinking the worst of her.

If instead of making it a competition, we helped eachother, wouldn't that be best for everyone?

I've decided that going forward, I will offer my help. I'm sure it will be rebuffed, but the thought counts....

Half of me wanted the yell, the other, offer help. I did neither. I'm

Oh look, breastfeeding Nazi's!

2005-09-26T15:35:00.000-03:00

So I'm reading one of my favorite blogs, Conversations about Famous People, and what do I find in the comment section of an entry joking about how Britney Spears is having trouble breastfeeding because of her implants: A divisive, bitchy argument about "breast is best"

Among my favorite comments, (not a direct quote):

"I'll enjoy the +5 point higher IQ my daughter has from breastfeeding."

Nice. Real nice. And the "discussion" basically surrounds this one woman who stated that formula was just as good, and how she is terribly wrong, and horrible, and just bad. She gets NAILED to the wall. On a gossip blog. Now, this woman didn't sit there saying it's a replacement, and better, and you should use formula instead. She stated it's just as good (which is debatable-I don't even believe that myself) and easier, and less icky diapers.

Now, none of those things are reasons to not breastfeed. But because this woman did not detail her personal reasoning behind not breastfeeding, she was basically crucified. And I found that really ironic. I particularily loved the holier than thou attitude that came thru in all the "pro-breast" posts.

Personally, I find bottle feeding easier myself. I have large breasts, and I'm not little. Finding a position to breastfeed in was well nigh impossible. Would I suggest formula as a first option. NO. Would I make someone feel like crap because they state formula is near to breastmilk? NO.

So why is it cool or in vogue to denigrate people for stating their opinions about things? I know it's an uphill battle reintroducing breastfeeding into our culture which, quite frankly, is NOT suited for breastfeeding mothers but really-acting like a bunch of 13 year old girls, does that make anything better, or easier?

For those women like me who feel guilty because we didn't/couldn't-are you helping? Do these people realize that they are alienating those they could "convert" in order to get a pat on the back from their cronies? WHY OH WHY can't we act like adults for once, and use knowledge to change things, instead of intimidation and plain old shittiness?

I smoked while pregnant with Vivian, and I am ashamed, and embaressed that I could not quit. I didn't breastfeed due to a bleed, depression, and just plain old alone and unable to do it all. Is she smart? HELL YEAH. No matter where we are, people comment on her skills, her vocabulary, and my favorite, which recently came from a beautiful older lady, who had already raised her children long ago...." Well look! I've never SEEN such a happy child!"

As a few of you commented on my previous post, you would NOT have bonded to your children the same if you had of forced yourself to continue breastfeeding. Vivian is everything anyone could want in a child, and the only thing she received was two days worth of early milk (the name slips my mind right now). She is 25 months, and she speaks in full sentances, using possessives and proper nouns, can run, almost jump, is beginning to potty train and sleeps in a bed. So I guess that extra 5 points for IQ would have really made a difference.

You know what the difference is? It's the time I take to educate my child. It's the time I spend playing on the floor with her. It's the time I take explaining what spiders do. It's the proper english I speak to and with her. It's the respect I give her as a person. THAT is what makes her one of the happiest, smartest kids you'll meet. Am I focused on her playing a concerto by 6? No. Do I think she will one day be a leader of something, hopefully NOT a terrorist group? YES.

And at it's heart, this is what frustrates me about the breastfeeding debate. I spend a TON of time thinking about and analyzing my parenting skills. I read up on theories, I read psych texts. I think before I do anything with her, because I do not believe in parenting by instinct. Do these women, who preach endlessly spend that much time really thinking about who they want their children to be in the future, and what they can do to ensure that? Or do they blindly follow what others have taught them in the past, regardless of usefulness, because they think the breastmilk does it all. Do I have any right to feel superior to these women, as they seem to feel superior to me for not breastfeeding?

To be continued as "The Parenting Contest"

Cancer Eyes

2005-09-25T12:38:00.000-03:00

I just watched the video for Melissa Etheridge's new cover, "Refugee"

I noticed two things:

1. She is TONS hotter with short hair.
2. Women who have or had cancer all seem to have the same look in their eyes.

What is that look? Is there a shared secret once you've faced down the beast? Do they suddenly know something I don't? Or is it peace generated by being forced to come to terms with and accept your life and those things in it?

She looked like my mother.

I'm 28 today. And I'm sad, and I don't know why. I don't give a rat's ass about getting old.

I think I miss the things I think I should have. Like someone saying "happy Birthday" the minute they see you, not three hours later when they remember.

Aside from Mother's Day, I hate my birthday next.

6 Months on, I'm still guilty.

2005-09-19T11:18:00.000-03:00

As always, I prefice this by saying I FIRMLY believe that breast is best. And therein lies my issue.

When I was pregnant with Vivian, I imagined breastfeeding with ease. I imagined this easy bond forming.

Heh.

First comes Post Partum Depression. Then comes a baby swimming in a sea of boob, searching for a nipple. Then comes no milk, since Mommy lost so much blood, and isn't eating due to depression.

No one ever mentions the following:

Breastfeeding is REALLY FUCKING HARD.
You will SMELL.
The kid does NOT just latch.
Big boobs makes it twice as hard.
Your hormones will go completely, and utterly nuts.

I understand that now, organizations like La Leche League are fighting an uphill battle against formula, ease of use, etc, etc, and are doing what they feel is necessary. But you know what? People like me, who really wanted to breastfeed, but couldn't due to PPD, and no help, end up feeling guilty forever about it. When people ask, you lower your eyes and mutter "well, I did try."

With Rosalyn, I was physically able to breastfeed, and I think back on the short period of time in which I did so as this halycon moment. What a wonderful feeling it was.

Of course, this is totally disregarding the memories of me thinking, "Gee, I could just throw her out the window, and then take myself into the woods with that very large bottle of muscle relaxants." I stared that that bottle for weeks.

Finally, my father and husband sat me down and told me I needed to make a choice. See, we have NO family out here, and my father only stays for the winter. In the past, women had their families around them to help with the house, the other children. That means you can spend the first few weeks, basically in bed feeding your child, and resting.

I had to choose between my sanity and my daughter's breast milk. And I feel quilty for choosing me. She's healthy and cool and HUGE! And I still feel quilty, because there is this movement out there that makes you feel like less of a woman because you couldn't, or wouldn't breastfeed.

If I had a mother nearby to help, I would have. If we had anyone, I would have. I become infuriated with the basically raised nose tsk tsk's that many of the articles and books I read have about those of us using formula, with only a token nod to the women who cannot do it because their lives are at risk. It makes me guilty, and it makes me angry.

6 months on, and I still feel guilty for putting myself first.

Thinking Thursdays: William Carlos Williams

2005-09-15T21:18:00.000-03:00

In my never ending quest to expose you (yes YOU!) to more poetry, may I present,

WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS!
Born 1883 Died 1963.

Quoted from the Yahoo! reference entry: (see also the Wikipedia entry)
"Williams observed American life closely, expressed anger at injustice, and recorded his impressions in a lucid, vital style. He developed a verse that is close to the idiom of speech, revealing a fidelity to ordinary things seen and heard."

In other words? He made ordinary, everyday life magical, which is why I love him. Because I love him, you get TWO poems.

This is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
-1934
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Is_Just_To_Say"

To a poor old woman

munching a plum ont
he street a paper bag
of them in her hand

They taste good to her
They taste good
to her. They taste
good to her

You can see it by
the way she gives herself
to the one half
sucked out in her hand

Comforted
a solace of ripe plums
seeming to fill the air
They taste good to her

Read them out loud. Taste the words. And the plum connection is totally inadvertant.

Friends don't let friends have babies.

2005-09-12T18:10:00.000-03:00

I don't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, I could. They're always available, until of course, I chase them away with loud, obnoxious industrial crap, and my general lack of desire for human interaction. Friends bother me. They WANT things. Things like time, and opinions that aren't correct...i.e. "That guy who said he loved you when he had a wife in Winnipeg who was preggers? Nah, that's cosmic. No WAY he's an asshole. Nope." They want me to be nice. Fuck that.

But then there is Diane (not her real name). When I was about 11, I was friends with her older sister, Joan. Joan and I went to different schools, I moved, shit happens. You grow apart.

I moved back to my hometown, and Diane was going to my school. She was weird, and seemed like a bitch (hey-it was grade 11 ok!) but she lived up the street, and was at least vaguely interesting, unlike the other 99.9% of people in town. I started conversation at the bus stop about some lame hardcore band, just to have something to say. Her mother had moved them to live with a boyfriend, a relationship that then failed, so they moved back. I had been living in the same vague area, so it was a start. (As a sidenote, Diane's mother is this incredible woman who I have TONS of respect for. BUT, she cannot pick a man for shit. What IS that?!?!?)

We hung out the rest of my time in high school, two peas in a pod. She had hung out with my old friends after I moved, we liked the same things, more importantly, we HATED the same people. She was on student council, and could get me out of class.

After high school, we both went on to school like we thought we should, and we both dropped out. No one told us we'd be paying 10,000 a year for boredom. She started doing her thing in film, while I, floated, flitted. I've never been able to choose one thing to do when I grow up. Seems so limiting. I had planned on being the crazy lady with cats writing poetry anyway.

For awhile, we both lived in Toronto, so we saw eachother. Of course, she has this irritating habit of making her friends like eachother, and I have two irritating habits,

I hate going out in public and meeting up with people
I don't like other people's friends, or being forced to meet them
I'm notorious at keeping appointments or plans.

Ok. That was three. My point is that I'm just as annoying a friend as anyone, perhaps more so. We didn't see eachother all that much, because of work, time, money, ickly boyfriends, etc. My job was moving to hell (aka NB, Canada) and I was suddenly busy as I was moving with it. She got mad because I couldn't go to her party before I left (however, she DOES know all about my party phobia-she chooses to ignore it sometimes). We didn't talk for at least 6 months. I was also honestly busy that night. She couldn't be bothered to just come have a beer with me, so fair is fair.

So I move. We keep in touch, sporatically as we always do. She does interesting things. I get pregnant. She visits, and with one kid, things aren't that different. Life is almost the same as it was.

I get pregnant again. She comes to visit.

Suddenly, I'm a mom this time. And she doesn't like it one bit.

See, Diane is a planning person. She' s a producer type person at work, so she spends her days planning, charting, coordinating, etc, etc. She cannot NOT do this. I on the other hand, work on a "we'll see what happens" kinda plan. Part of me is lazy, the other half likes the scheduale the kids are on. I can fuck with that later. Right now, my sanity is important.

Diane wanted to go places, see things, do stuff. I HATE doing stuff. I like sitting, and talking, and just chilling out. I've never understood why people on vacation want to do stuff. I can't wait to take a week off in a cabin the woods somewhere.

I could tell she was annoyed, and it sucked. I wanted to say "let's just go, I'll dump the kids on someone!" But I can't. We have no family here, and our sitter just quit (not like I could afford to pay her anyway) My life, for the moment, is constrained by my children. I don't mind, because it won't last.

I tried to explain it, but just as I didn't get it when I was childless, neither did she. She wanted ME, and sadly, ME just isn't available now the same way it once was. I know she felt the same gulf as well, and it was kinda, well, shitty.

I know our relationship will survive this, cause it's survived worse. I just suddenly felt so fucking grownup, regardless of anything else. She worries about paying rent. I worry about feeding my kids. I worry about the effect 9/11 will have on their lives. She babbles about peak oil. I find shopping for kids clothes at the thrift store fun. She can wear a kids size 14.

It just sucked to see, to feel that space between us, to actually see that she sits on the other side of a bridge that spans this river of change and maturity. She'll cross it I'm sure, in her own time. I just hope that she let's me hold her hand across it.

So....the doctors are smart, right?

2005-09-09T15:13:00.000-03:00

Vivian goes to hospital.
They do tests. She has pneumonia.
She comes home with Zithromax.

3 days go by.

Our family doctor calls.

"is she on any antibiotics for her urine/likely bladder infection?"

"ummmmmm....no. They didn't say she had that. They gave her antibiotics, but not for that."

"Hm. I'll ask the doctor if that should be ok."
"well gee, I'm a little worried, could you call me right back when you find out what we should do?"

"well, the doctor isn't in until Monday, but we'll call you , actually, if no one calls, you call us, ok?"

I feel confident in my medical system. I know for a fact that anytime I've had either a urine or bladder infection, they've known the second they look at the urine sample. They took one and tested it that day (or so they said). Since she had a drastic temp spike, it would make sense, since I've had those hit like a ton of bricks.

Fucking hell...does ANYTHING work in this province?

And to top off my week (which began with VIvian having a seizure and being rushed to hospital via ambulance), my sitter quit early, we can't find another, I have something viral, vile and annoying, I'm trying to work from home today, Vivian is apparently trying to nix a nap since she SCREAMS blue murder when we put her down AND they're ripping up the street in front of the house, meaning she CAN'T sleep if she even wanted too.

GREATGREATGREAT. AND now she's yelling OW for no reason. Which might have a reason since I have no idea how she got pnuemonia, or a bladder infection (if she actually has one)

FUCK.

7 Things: A meme story

2005-09-07T09:45:00.000-03:00

From REDMUM (who incidentally, takes KICK ASS pictures)
Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

Visit Machu Picchu
Publish at least a Chapbook
Be skinny just once without illegal drug assistance
Travel with each daughter alone for a summer
More tattoos. LOTS more.
Have my own private studio space
Love my life.

Seven things I can do

Write poetry
Sing (wellish-13 years of smoking mostly knackered my voice)
Parent (despite my arguments otherwise)
Cook
Feel-I'm a WEE bit sensitive, like you haven't noticed
Knit & Crochet
Hitchhike without fear

Seven things I can not do

Drive-never learned
GO near bees-GIBBERING TERROR-think little girls screaming
Dive. Never learned how to plug my nose
Play any wind instruments. Unless you want something John Zornish
Pay attention....bright shiny distract...what was I saying?
Stay mad. I get over things quickly, hence the, "I love him, I hate him" posts about the Dorf
Wear thongs on my butt or feet. I cannot STAND that flossy feeling in either place.

Seven things that I find really attractive about the opposite sex

Wit
Gentle kindness
Ability to withstand a comfortable silence
Integrity
Honesty
Passion for something, even if it isn't me.
Myself reflected warmly in their eyes

Seven things I say the most

"Dude"
"N-O means Nu-Uh"
"Is that really necessary?"
"let's NOT run with scissors, hmm?"
"I see we're experiencing a rectal cranial inversion again."
"People here are idiots"
"What's that smell, and where is it?"

(wow. I'm SUCH a mom)

Seven Books I love

Good Omens : Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman. Should be required reading at all Catholic Schools. The footnotes are the best.
The Edible Woman: Margaret Atwood. I twisted that book into more essays than should be legal.
Jane Eyre-Jane Austen: Every girl needs something depressing
The Belgariad: David & Leigh Eddings (Since I'm convinced she wrote the women) It's a series, but it's good solid characterization I'd like to see in a movie. Opens some interesting religous discussions as well.
ANY Elizabethean books from Alison Weir. EXCELLENT writer of history. It really comes alive.
Aygar by Steven Brust. Just beautiful tale of love. And a broken heart that bleeds from the pages. Melodramatic in a good way-and excellent and undervalued author.
Magician: Apprentice & Master: Raymond Feist. Aside from my complaints with his female characters at times, always excellent plot and strong stories. I find these two his strongest works.

Wow. This meme was actually fun. Let's see....

Nat, Rocker Mommy, Lou, Raida, Joker, Kidlet, Karen....(not sure if everyone reads me, but worth a try.) Let me know if you've done it. This one is fun!

Happy back to school for those with kids that old!!!

Thinking Thursday: Nature Sucks

2005-09-01T13:08:00.000-03:00

While I'll spend my time arguing about why people did not evacuate, why governments did not pay to better prepare the area despite numerous warning about the problems inherent in the city and area, etc, etc, on my other blog, and some I frequent, I'd like to take a minute here to be sad about it.

In many cases I'm coming off as a strident jerk since I'm incensed that so many have died because of poor planning, stubborness, lack of money, lack of time, lack of so much. I cannot STAND stupidity, and hence my irritation with the entire thing. Watching the looting and general chaos rising from it just makes me even more sad, since most of of would like to believe people are inherently good.

And I feel helpless, since I'd like to help, but I'm too far away to house people (no room anyway) don't have the money to give, and I can't figure out just yet how to start gathering donations, since the thought of losing all my childrens clothing and items makes me even sadder.

So to anyone who also reads my other blog-I'm not heart less. I just can't stand it when people die and it could have been prevented.

I can't even imagine....

2005-08-31T10:02:00.000-03:00

CULLMAN, Ala. - A New Orleans woman has given birth while fleeing Hurricane Katrina. Donyelle Jean Jacques left New Orleans Saturday morning, one of 49 members of her family trying to flee. When the family is finally able to return, there will be 50.

As the family drove north in an eight-car caravan in Alabama on Interstate 65, Jacques, who was pregnant and past her due date, started having labor pains. Her boyfriend, Wilbert Joseph, said he was scared as he drove the car that Jacques was in.
He said he kept turning on the car's caution lights to try to let other family members know what was going on.
"I didn't know what to do," Joseph told The Cullman Times.
Jacques' mother, Michelle Jean Jacques, said by the time the line of cars pulled off at a motel in Cullman in north Alabama, they had called ahead for an ambulance that arrived shortly after they did and took her daughter to the hospital.
At 4:07 p.m. Monday, Jacques gave birth to an 8 pound, 10 ounce girl, Jade Leshelle Joseph, at Cullman Regional Medical Center. While excited about Jade's birth, the family is dealing with the despair of knowing their homes in the eastern section of New Orleans are mostly likely flooded and that all of their belongings possibly destroyed.
Joseph said they left home with only a few changes of clothing, hygiene products and a few pictures.
Watching television coverage of the destruction caused Tuesday when two levees surrounding the city broke flooding an estimated 80 percent of New Orleans, Jacques said she recognized a neighborhood near hers.
"All you could see were street signs and the tops of houses," she said. "My grandpa owns his own house and he's worried."
Belongings likely destroyed by the flood waters include a new set of baby furniture covered with Looney Tunes characters, bought in anticipation of Jade's birth.
Family members don't expect to see their neighborhood any time soon.
For now, the rest of the family and dozens of others are being sheltered at the Cullman Civic Center by the American Red Cross
Beverly Denson, director Cullman County Chapter of the American Red Cross, said Wal-Mart is donating clothes for the baby. When Jacques and Jade are able to travel, the family plans to head to Orlando, Fla., where they have relatives.

Does anyone have suggestions for where a canadian can send some baby items for other people?

Oh, I forgot....Mommy doesn't get sick.

2005-08-26T20:29:00.000-03:00

I can barely even speak to my husband lately.

We've ALL had the flu. It happens. He's been home with the kids, and sick some of the time. I've been very good with coming home, doing half days, letting him sleep in by working later shifts.

What do I get for all this?

Sweet fuck all.

Do I get to sleep in? HA! He works overnights 3 times a week. He couldn't possibly get up early some day so I can get some rest, despite the fact that I tell him to take naps when I'm around, and go out of my way to let him sleep. Do I get to sit and be sick and whiny? NO. I get to listen to him complain about how he feels. He thinks, gee, I must handle being sick better then him. Heh. NO. Not a chance. But I have no one to complain too that gives a flying fuck, I can't sleep it off and get shit done, I have to go to work, so I just deal with it. I sit here feeling faint and shaking because there is no other choice.

And to top my fanfuckingtabulous week off, we had to do "professional" dress at work (we're normally casual-whatever that is). A year ago, not a big deal. At this point-a BIG fucking deal, since every single item of clothing I own, except for 4 shirts and 2 pairs of pants are OLDER THAN MY CHILDREN, and some items older than this relationship. And most of the "dressier" items, and falling apart, missing buttons, plain worn out. So I say I really need to buy some clothes, I have nothing to wear really, I've had nothing in a long time, I just had another baby, new clothes would be nice. I never do fuck all for me.

All he does is bitch about money, and how I'm always needing things.

Who quit smoking to save $300.00 a month? That would be me.

Who rarely, if ever buys anything for herself that can't be thrown in the grocery bill. yeah, me.

Who purchases 98% of the items for the kids. Ooh, good guess, ME.

Who spends around $75 every few weeks on comics. NOT ME. I spend about 40$ bi weekly on coffee and the odd lunch out. Oh, and some of that is spent in thrift stores for the kids.

Come on ladies-do you feel me on the clothes issue? I feel like such a fat ugly fucking beast lately, nothing makes me happy, I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm just plain sad and apathetic, and I get nothing from him but a report on the state of his bowels. I barely get two words past that. I come home early from work to mow the lawn and maybe spend 10 minutes with him before the kids are home and he just gets mad since the lawn mower is really loud, and will interfere with his noodling.

Oh, I'm sorry. Since I have almost ZERO time for me, I don't give two shits.

Oh, but you know what? I bet all these feelings I keep having oh, I dunno, every two fucking weeks or so about just getting a fucking divorce, these feelings are just hormones or the pill or something. It can't POSSIBLY be him being a fucking asscrap now could it.

The worst is, if I just tell him all this, he'd never just be there for me. There would be excuses, and promises to change, and more bullshit. And I'm finding that increasingly, I just don't fucking care...

Everything Ends

2005-08-24T13:26:00.000-03:00

So it's taken me a few days to recover from the finale of Six Feet Under. I was just so totally overwhelmed by it.

It really hit home how cyclical everything really is, and made me realize, more than ever, how very brief the time I have is.

But what really got me was the idea that you see your loved ones in the second you die, looking vital and alive as they did when you knew and loved them.

I'd like to think that when my Dad dies, he sees my Mother, young, and vibrant as he passes.

Yucky 'atoes

2005-08-22T11:14:00.000-03:00

What's better than being puked on once by your two year old?

Being puked on TWICE by said two year old.

PLEASE DONATE!

2005-08-18T15:50:00.000-03:00

In a nutshell-jerkoff exhusband, bedrest working young mom with no resources.

Please, if you can spare it....

www.foremily.blogspot.com

THINKING THURSDAY: Robyn Sarah

2005-08-18T09:39:00.000-03:00

She's Canadian. She rocks. She totally represents the artist as mommy persona for me, and I love her.

GO buy her books. She's worth it.

Equinox

All the gold has drained

from the light; and these leaves,

littering the grass, caught

in its tangles, where

did they come from?

There was a black horse, one evening,

across a fence, who followed us

a length of the road--

I must have been asleep

all summer.

Help Daddy!

2005-08-17T15:15:00.000-03:00

I've been having a conversation revolving around Daddy support, and the difficulties that a friend is having with her giant container of sperm right now really nailed the thought in.

The Dorf basically says that it sucks for the non-pregnant person because it's not real for them until it's HERE. He tells me that his best advice for him, is to start sucking it up now, and begin to digest the imminent changes.

He also wanted to point out that despite the inital reaction of blaming the woman, the man should avoid this at all costs.

He had advice for women too. Don't be vague. Guys work well with specifics. If it's the bathroom you just can't stomach to clean, tell him directly. Use small words.

And sometimes, plain old "yes dear" works, along with just getting the hell out of the way.

It's sad because despite the increasing presence of men throughout pregnancy, the increasing numbers of men taking paternity leave or becoming stay at home parents, it's REALLY hard to find useful information and advice geared at men. He's looked. It's weird enough for him when he takes the kids to play, and the women stare at him like he's a kiddie raper.....

It's really difficult for the guys during pregnancy, and during parenting. Any advice for my cranky, newly preggers friend and her hubby?

I just can't get excited....

2005-08-16T13:42:00.000-03:00

I knew that with the second kid, things would be different. I wouldn't have the same time to devote to her, the same space wouldn't be available to watch her. But I never thought that I'd have so much trouble liking her.

And it has nothing to do with her. She's cute and does neat stuff, but I just don't get all fluttery about her.

Perhaps when she's more human and less sponge....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIVIAN DIANNE SARA!

2005-08-11T12:12:00.000-03:00

I know I rarely say it, and sometimes
the look in my eyes makes you
cross over and sigh but

the violence with which I want to
protect your sense engulfs me and
devours.

Lord I love thee child...

Thinking Thursdays: Emily Dickinson

2005-08-11T10:14:00.000-03:00

In honor of me stealing the line from my all time favorite poem of her's, here's my second favorite (and it's HARD to choose!)

I died for beauty, but was scarce

Adjusted in the tomb,

When one who died for truth was lain

In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?

“For beauty,” I replied.

“And I for truth,—the two are one;

We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,

We talked between the rooms,

Until the moss had reached our lips,

And covered up our names.

Who was she? She was an american poet in Mass who basically became a bit of a recluse. (I tend to think she had ADD, but that's just me) She became easily overwhelmed by other people, and preferred her own company. Some individuals have tried to sell this as because of heartbreak. I've always viewed Emily as someone who just couldn't handle people.

She only published 7 pieces while alive, and no one really "saw" her genius. I fell in love with Emily as a child, one of the first poets I even loved. As Kris said, she had a genuine talent for perception of the moment, trapping time in phrases. I've loved Emily's writing because it has always made me think, and as I grow older, still does.

I read these to my daughters in the hope that one day, they'll love her too.

ALL ALONE-SIX FEET UNDER

2005-08-09T10:03:00.000-03:00

Note to self: Do not watch Six Feet Under shortly before going to work.

For those of you who did not watch last nights episode, it might be a good thing, it might be a bad thing. I spent the hour crying as I fed my youngest daughter.

Not only was this one of the finest renditions of what actually occurs when someone you love dies, but it dealt with a numerous amount of issues well, and together. For me, I deal with memories of my Mother's funeral and wake, and what it was like at home. But suddenly, as Brenda tried to figure out how to tell Mia her Daddy was gone, I could feel myself detach, and become more than one.

Part of me saw my father, lost and afraid and wondering how to talk with his daughter about her lost mother. Part of me saw my Mother's parents, watching their daughter, their baby, who they created and birthed and fed and created, now cold and silent in a box. Part of me saw myself, holding my own arms, trying to stay upright and strong, and failing so fucking miserably.

Everything is so much more vivid once you have children. I suddenly, drastically saw and felt what my father went through, and what my grandparents went through. I felt it like a keening banshee in my chest, saw my children, imagined what it would be like if I had to tell them Daddy wasn't coming home, or if he had to tell them Mommy was coming back. The dull ache of loss that never, ever relents. I saw a picture of my father, alone, choosing caskets.

And I also saw, that if my children precede me, I shall not survive it.

How to have a crap birthday party

2005-08-08T17:53:00.000-03:00

Invite people who don't come.
Have a child delirious from fever.
Copious amounts of mosquitos and wasps.
Small babies.
Anything from Fisher-Price. (why in the HELL are those things tied down better than a woman in an S&M club?)

I always feel like I'm failing my kid because I don't know how to make nice with other parents. So she has no real friends. The sitter was ill, the one kid Viv plays with got in trouble and wasn't allowed to come, other people forgot.....

the goth fairy dress is too small, and I ended up taking Vivian to the hospital for the fever. After sitting there for 4 hours, they told us to go home because aside from a virus, nothing was wrong.

At least the doctor was cute....

Happy Birthday Hunny Bear...have some more Tylenol

2005-08-07T11:42:00.000-03:00

So today is Vivian's party, as she is turning two next week. And guess who's running a fever and asking to go to bed every 30 minutes....

the poor thing. She NEVER gets sick. She has had ONE ear infection, and a few minor, 24 hr things, but nothing like some parents (mine included) ever go through. And since we have no car, going to emerg is like landing on an occupied beach. It has to be very carefully planned, so we spend the entire day wondeirng if we should go, because lord knows I hate going to emerg just so I can be given the "lunatic paranoid mommy" look.....

sigh...I want today to be fun for her....so much for that....hopefully I can at least get her goth fairy dress on her!

MUST READ: A Little Pregnant

2005-08-04T22:17:00.000-03:00

ESPECIALLY today's post. This blog is ALWAYS insightful, witty and poignant, with just the right amount of "hey, up yours!".

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/

GO read it. NOW!

Yucky Water

2005-08-04T11:58:00.000-03:00

"More water"

"ok. Hold on"

pause

"here"

"Tank you mommy"

"made a mess"

"yeeeaaahhhhh. You did"

"more water?"

"suck it out of your shirt dear. There's enough there."

SOMEONE take me away

2005-08-02T11:42:00.000-03:00

Ever have a craving to just jump off the bus, RUN to the nearest highway and stick out your thumb?

I'm SO having those feelings lately. And it's terrible, I know. I have two wonderful kids (in theory) and loving husband(again, a theory) a house, an ok job, we're not broke, but getting by....

WHY do I feel so bloody unfulfilled, lonely and sad? Why do I hate my kids most of the time?

I crave time where NO ONE bothers me, where and can sit and play my "goddamned games" on the computer for 5 hours straight if I want, because I want to. But apparently, I'm not allowed this?
Yesterday was a holiday in Canada. I was planning on coming to work since, well, it's more of a break than being at home. It was raining, and there are no buses in this idiot place on holidays, and a walk taking an hour each way wasn't looking fun in the rain. So I stayed home, wanting a little time to myself. Meaning-if the kids want to see me fine, but I don't want to have to worry about them at ALL for a few hours. I need time where I am beholden to no one else, don't I?

Well, apparently, this can't happen, even when I ask. For someone who says we should have a sitter an extra day so I can have a break, he's not willing to just watch them so I can sit and read or play or do whatever for a few hours. Of course, he has a day a week that is his......

Add to this EXTREME menstrual pain, headaches, sickness (flu) and a general lingering rage, and I'm about to lose it completely. I don't want to go home, it's just more fucking work. And he doesn't get it. He says go out-yeah, me and the buttons in my pocket can go somewhere....even coffee is a $5.00 endeavor anymore......

I just....I want the depression to lift, and it won't. It can't, because there is obviously no room in my life for me anymore....and Im beginning to wonder exactly what the point is.

We interrupt this discussion...

2005-07-29T22:39:00.000-03:00

to bring you more cuteness. Regardless of anything else, every day I realize how truly lucky I am to have such cool little kids. TWO PEOPLE ALWAYS smile at me everyday. And kiss me with their forehead. (I don't get it-WHY on earth does she think her FOREHEAD is a kiss???)

But I LIKE the fact that I'm excited to see them at the end of the day. Tired, but sometimes, just sometimes.....shhh......

I'm happy.

giggle

A GREAT point made

2005-07-29T08:57:00.000-03:00

I didn't mean don't POST, I meant post with your name! No need to be anonymous! (I've noticed that I wasn't entirely clear with that statement! Sorry!)

I DON'T like the intolerance I see on some blogs-if I'm wrong, then I will admit it. I still have my opinions on the subject, but PLEASE read the comment Anon left on the previous post regarding charities in the Third World. I will be checking some of the links later, because it is MY responsibility to be informed on BOTH sides.

Thank you Anon for providing a well thought and intelligent rebuttal, as opposed to the various versions of "stupidhead!" So PLEASE read. And again Anon, I wasn't saying go away! But leave your name!!!

--------------------------

Good to see you are open to hearing the other side…well, at least reading it and summarily disregarding it. What is the magic of the blog-o-sphere without diverse perspectives? Ah yes, the thought police system that we already have channeled to us by one extreme wing or the other.Your point of the aid being contingent upon conversion is well taken. In fact, I couldn't agree more. However, your skepticism is not necessarily grounded in the realities of the aforementioned NGOs. In fact, only 2 of the ones mentioned actually do any degree of proselytizing (and it is limited). Most try to mix traditional culture with the best practices of international development strategies. For example, where young females are sold to husbands on their 12th birthday, some groups are paying the father the same dowry and instead sending the child to a boarding school. With time and gender training, this practice will change, but for the transition period, it is an adequate compromise. I know of one Christian NGO that preaches abstinence while equally teaching condom use and STD prevention.You cannot enter into another cultural and force your beliefs/systems upon them and you cannot expect a culture to instantly throw their customs out the window and embrace yours. Right or wrong in our western eyes, those practices have existed for centuries and drastic changes will be met with drastic resistance. There is a fine line of diplomacy that even NGOs have to toe up to. I would recommend that people research NGOs before cutting a check…you have to pick ones that are in alignment with your beliefs, goals and perspectives. There are very liberal ones and very conservative ones. However, for every fly-by-night charlatan org with the best of intentions and the lowest of accountability standards, there are many accredited and well-respected organizations that have proven time and again that they truly have innovative ideas to create sustainable change.As with anything, and especially situations where your hard-earned money is on the line, do your research first and avoid making vast generalizations sanctifying or damning an entire category. It is wrong to assume that all are good or that all are evil.Good places to research: www.interaction.org, www.guidestar.org, www.globalgiving.comAnd for alternative news sources...I would recommend www.oneworld.netAnd that is all from the "other side", per your request, I shan't post again.

New Dad Type people....

2005-07-27T13:03:00.000-03:00

MUST MUST MUST read this post, "Baby Bucks" on Waiter Rants.

Always a great recommended read his blog is, but this post in particular illustrates why Waiter has SUCH a following. It's poignent and touching, and a must for anyone with a new child, and a worrywort partner.

He always makes me cry this guy.....

'd like to feel bad, really, I would

2005-07-25T18:46:00.000-03:00

but sometimes, I get really really mad. Currently, Niger is big on the "starving people to help" list. (you may have to register, but it's free). Lots of sad pictures of starving children to guilt me into sending money.

Why am I rather.....not pleased? Because look around in these countries. How many children are these women bearing? We aren't talking about 1 or 2 or 3 kids. Try 8 or 12. A woman with a 12 month old already pregnant with another, and trying to feed them. I become irate because the focus is ALWAYS on feed these poor starving children. Why is it NEVER, "PREVENT THESE PREGNANCIES".

In North America, a woman who keeps on having babies, and lives off the system is usually pointed at as a "leech" who should "know better". In Africa, and other countries where they NEVER have enough food, this is never the case. Have a culture where women have no say in their reproductive rights, and you have famine.

Yes, I'm making this rather simplistic, and likely minimizing it. But really. IF the birth rate was lessened or even just stabilized, do you really think these problems who continue on the level they do?

I won't even get into situations like Rwanda or the Congo.

I just get sick of ad'd for organizations like the "christian children's fund", which never seems to focus on the real issue. UNWANTED CHILDREN.

It crushes my heart to see a 3 year old who weighs as much as my 5 month old. But I also think it's better in the long run, to prevent fires instead of putting them out all the time.

GUESS who peed in the toilet today!

2005-07-23T21:49:00.000-03:00

For the first time EVER! With NO prodding!

Oh how I LOVE my little Honey bear!

*even when she spits an entire cup of chocolate milk down the front of her*

Funny story-I've been teaching Vivian to yell "Penis" whenever one of those morons with the loud cars goes by.

So far it's WORKING!
BWAWHAHAHA!

Now if she'd just stop muttering "for fuck sakes", we'd be good. The penis thing is the ONE concession to the evil side of Mommy.... I don't teach her to swear before someone posts "one of those" comments.....

Naming the baby

2005-07-22T16:11:00.000-03:00

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this site... "Baby's named a Bad, Bad thing." A sample...

"And here's my unique name story. A sweet, wonderful, elderly couple we once shared a house with for a short time, Wade and Maxine, had only one daughter, so they decided to name her after *both* parents...
Yes, you guessed it, her name is Wadine"

"We aren't having kids for another year or two, but we like Kellyna Nychole, Taryn Mykah and Mykenzie Kathryn for girls.
This woman was indicted under the Flagrant Over-Use of the Letters K and Y Act of 1983"

Come on everyone, it's Forehead Slapping Time!
Hit yourself hard enough, and you'll be as smart as these people!
Vienna - Does anyone like it? I thought it was kinda pretty. The little girl is 4 who has this name. It's an Italian name....and I thought it was pretty. What do you guys think?
Among the responses:
" It's a pretty name. I thought of Italy right when I saw it."
" its pretty...I think of Vienna Italy - the place - right away"
"It's kinda pretty, but nms. It is very Italian sounding, though."
"Pretty name, thought of Switzerland instantly!!"
"Not bad, but I do automatically think ... of vienna sausages. Vienna is also a city in Austria, but I kind of like "place" names, so that works for me, I just can't get past the sausage reference." Finally! A winner! (In a way.)

Just check out the site....there's an entire section on those made up smushed together names that drive me NUTS!

That's yr Firday Funny!

Can someone PLEASE explain

2005-07-21T22:12:00.000-03:00

Why exersaucers cost more than a good pair of shoes?!?!? 149.99? I buy diapers! How in HELL can I afford that?!?!?
I'd get one at a yard sale, except I have no way to get it home while pushing a double stroller...

sigh....

Go ask Daddy.

2005-07-19T11:57:00.000-03:00

I was sitting on the bus the other morning when a father and his son got on to go to the mall. And it was rather apparent that he was not around his son all the time (or maybe I inferred that-who knows). They started talking, and I began thinking of all the ways my husband and I are different with our kids. He can PLAY, while I tend to teach and explain.

And this got me to thinking some more. I have friends who grew up with moms, and no Dads, the opposite of my situation. One friend in particular always became quite incensed with ANYONE stating any theories along the lines of "kids need a Mommy and a Daddy". Although she becomes angry at that because a: her Dad is an ass and b: her mom ROCKS, and is a GREAT model of single parenting, I started thinking of it from a different angle.

I don't think kids necessarily need a MAN and a WOMAN. I think what they really need is two perspectives.

When you only have one parent, you only get one side of the story, one answer. No one ever says-"I dunno, go ask your Dad." You get one answer, and generally speaking, no argument. And I began to wonder if this causes some of the supposed "deficiencies" that kids have coming from single parent homes....

just a thought...

Somedays I REALLY hate babies.

2005-07-18T17:25:00.000-03:00

I had one of those days this weekend. Half of me feels horrible, the other half is always wondering how ANYONE can like a baby.

I'm so NOT a baby person....

If there was ever a reason for Sterilization

2005-07-15T17:34:00.000-03:00

Idiot. TOTAL hysterectomy.

Baby drunk at birth; new mother charged
BARTLESVILLE, Okla. (AP) — A woman who police say had been drinking heavily before she gave birth was charged with child neglect after the baby was born intoxicated and diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Melissa Tanner, 37, had a blood alcohol content of 0.29 per cent when she gave birth June 30, and her daughter's was 0.21 per cent, according to an affidavit by police. The legal limit for drivers in Oklahoma is 0.08 per cent.
Hospital staff had to use an oxygen bag to help the baby start breathing and gave her medication to counteract any narcotics, according to the affidavit.
Tanner allegedly told police she and another person had consumed a case of beer and that she regularly drank during her pregnancy.
She was jailed on $30,000 (all figures U.S.) bail. At a court appearance this week, Tanner was advised of her rights and ordered to return to court Aug. 5. She has not yet filed an application for an lawyer or entered a plea, the court clerk's office said.
Sheriff's investigator James Wynn said the baby has fetal alcohol syndrome and has been placed in a foster home with a caretaker experienced in dealing with addicted infants.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lists the syndrome as the leading preventable cause of mental retardation and physical deformity. The severity of disability in this case won't be known until the baby is older.

Advice requested!

2005-07-14T15:53:00.000-03:00

For once! I usually don't always ask for advice.

My lovely little monster Vivian turns two next month, and I kinda need the crib for Gigantor. Add to that the fact that she has been making eyes at big kid beds...It's time for the change. I plan on purchasing a twin bed since the toddler beds are a scam.

Sooo...I want some advice on moving to a big kid bed.

As well, the two will need to share a room soon, likely when Vivian is 25 months and Rosalyn 6 months. Any suggestions for that? I KNOW it will suck at first...
THANKS!

A HAPPY POST!

2005-07-12T13:19:00.000-03:00

I'm sick of being morose and sad (plus, the latest Six Feet Under episode has some ideas brewing that need to brew some more) so presenting....CUTENESS!

I'm gonna die aren't I.

2005-07-08T09:13:00.000-03:00

So my mother died of breast cancer at 43 when I was 11. We've established that this event has had a large impact on many facets of my life, most of which I was prepared for, or at least able to read about. This newest piece-SOOOO not ready.

We had the "if I die" conversation a few weeks ago, and it sucked. Having to CLEARLY state who I want to raise my children, telling the Dorf that I WANT him to remarry if I die, explaining I want my ashes thrown into the wind of the jet stream (so I can be everywhere), it was the HARDEST conversation I've ever had.

But I've begun to notice that I tell him things prefaced with "When I'm gone..." NOT if, not just in case, but WHEN. I'm convinced I'm going to die on them. And I'm so matter of fact about it, like I'm waiting for a bus.

I was aware that I'd likely be worried until the kids passed the age I was when she died, and I passed the age she was when she died. I knew that. I didn't think I'd become consumed by the idea that I won't see them grow up.

Half of me wants to believe I'm just overly nutty about it. The other half of me thinks that I'm seeing some part of my future, as I've had these feelings before about other things.

I'm so scared I'm gonna die on them. I hated losing my mother, despite the fact that I KNOW we would have had knock down, drag out, running away fights. I wasn't exactly the little lady my mother wanted. But I can't imagine my kids having to have their first periods without a mother, having Mother's Day without someone to hug, just not having a woman around who understands why 10 pairs of shoes is CRITICAL. Just having a woman around, I missed. I've only just started to begin to really embrace the girly parts of me, but they're hard to find, and I feel really uncomfortable being that girl.

I'm also scared because it's only due to having kids that I've opened my heart again to life, and you know what? It's like the smell thing since I quit smoking-there are more BAD smells than good in life. I cry all the time seeing the awful things in life. I was like this as a kid-FAR too much empathy, to the point of being paralyzed by it. I had LIKED the fact that my fences kept that at bay. I dropped those fences, and now I'm scared to death.

I'm so afraid I'm going to die on them. I see myself in them, and it's hurting me...

Change please.

2005-07-07T08:49:00.000-03:00

Shasta's father is right. Something needs to change.

What we know to a large degree is that sexual offenders do NOT get rehabilitated. They do not get better. Just like I never stop wanting ice cream, despite a diet and lactose intolerance, they CANNOT change the wiring in their brain. I don't think someone wakes up wanting to torture rape and kill kids. Something is wrong with their brains.

Does that mean they should be free to walk the streets, especially after violent sexual assaults against children? NO. I personally am a FIRM believer in chemical castration. We cannot talk these urges from these people, and jail time does not make a crazy person sane. REMOVE the beginning of the urge. Or kill them. We do not know how to fix this, and yet we keep letting these people out into the streets. Think of the times you hear about this. Then think of all the times you don't.

As someone who lived through sexual abuse as a child, I can't handle the thought that someone might also do this to my child, or kill me for my child. A stand needs to be taken. Even when the offenders ask for help, they get nothing.

Why is it our courts are so hot and horny to prosecute Martha Stewart, and yet people like Duncan are let out on bail without a second thought.

I'm so sick of these people breaking lives.....

and everyone in London. You're in my thoughts.

When have you paid?

2005-07-05T09:57:00.000-03:00

For those of you NOT living in Canada, this is Karla Homolka. Years ago, she helped/was coerced into helping her husband, Paul Bernardo, torture, rape and kill 3 teenagers, one of whom was her 15 year old sister raped and killed on Christmas Eve. She got out of jail yesterday, prompting a LOT of speculation, threats, and general discussion.

She was given a 12 year sentance for manslaughter based on evidence she provided that helped put Bernardo in jail for life. Some people became upset when it emerged that she MAY have been a willing participant, not the battered, scared wife originally portrayed. They think she got off light....

I too want this woman to suffer. Regardless of anything else, she could have stopped what happened, and she didn't. But jail was easy. She was protected from the true harm she did. Now, she has to attempt to reintergrate into society, and live with herself. No one will want her around. Her family doesn't want her. This is punishment in my eyes.

I overheard someone on the bus saying it was wrong that Karla wants to tell her story, saying she shouldn't profit from her crime. And she shouldn't. But I don't think we've ever heard her side of the story, if there is one. The only way to prevent things is to learn WHY they happened. We need her story.

I also understand the rage people feel, thinking she should be in jail longer. But I don't think she would have done what she did without Bernardo's urging, and she helped make sure he ROTS in jail. What's that worth? She's also been given a sentence by the courts, and she served it. For good or bad, THAT is our justice system, which is NOT based on revenge. Yes, if it was my child, I would want REVENGE. But that's why the victim does not dictate the punishment. We need to follow what the court has said, even if it's distasteful.

Will she ever be truly heard? No. Will anyone ever think she's served penance? No, regardless of what she does or doesn't do or say.

This is punishment. Being sentenced to a life where no one hears you, wants you or needs you.

I welcome comments, as I'm interested to hear viewpoints NOT simply boiling down to primal revenge (which I do feel, don't get me wrong-I remember being a kid and wondering about garbage bags on the side of the 401...)

How to make your child VERY VERY happy.

2005-07-04T16:12:00.000-03:00

Vivian knew what it was before he even had it out of the bag. She likes it!
For those of you in Canada, crappy tire has these for 10.00 this week. Best ten bucks we've ever spent, once we saw the look of pure JOY on her face.

It's so bloody cool to make her so happy!

...that's what happened to Tom Cruise!...

2005-07-04T14:09:00.000-03:00

he hung out at this monastery too much!

TANACU, RomaniaÂJust weeks after 23-year-old Maricica Irina Cornici moved in January to an isolated hilltop monastery here with her brother, she began giggling during mass.
By April, she had descended into madness and doctors at a local psychiatric hospital diagnosed her condition as schizophrenia.
But for the monastery's two dozen nuns and its eccentric priest, it was not Cornici mocking and cursing them: It was Satan.
They chained her to a makeshift cross for three days, trying to cast him out. She died.
"You can't take the devil out of people with pills," the 29-year-old priest, Daniel Petre Corogeanu, told a Romanian television station during a four-hour interview taped just before he and the nuns were arrested last month.
The monastery has since been shut down by the Orthodox Church, Corogeanu defrocked and, along with four nuns, charged with murder and depriving a person of liberty. If convicted, each of the five could be sentenced to 25 years in prison.
But the death is more than simply a matter of misguided faith in the Romanian hinterland. It is a dark measure of the explosive growth that the Eastern Orthodox Church has experienced in the 15 years since the Soviet bloc disappeared; growth that has outstripped the speed at which the church can train clergy.
Corogeanu failed to get into a university in Bucharest to study sports or law, so he enrolled in religious studies at the theology department at the university in Iasi. A local bishop ordained him, despite his lack of experience, on the expectation that he would continue his studies part-time.
The church now concedes that such laxity has led to irregularities and has vowed to tighten rules for entering monasteries.
Corogeanu's services at the monastery attracted a fanatical following from the villages nearby. He also developed a flair for casting out demons.
Church leaders say the Orthodox Church has no specific exorcism rites beyond the reading of prayers. But the combination of a superstitious rural population and a wilful clergy has led to the spread of elaborate practices in recent years.
Corogeanu still has strong support in Tanacu, where many people contend Cornici was indeed possessed.

Kool aid & Flowers

2005-07-03T11:33:00.000-03:00

I'm in a good mood today. It's ABSOFREAKINGORGEAUS outside, just came back from a walk with the girls, who are now both sleeping, when I realized I'm totally digging 2 things right now.

In the ditches and swampy land around my house, there are IRIS'. WILD ones. How pretty!
Kool-Aid fricken ROCKS! Mmmmm...grape. I was never allowed to have it as a little kid...

Happy July long weekend, Sunday's like these remind me of when I was a child, and happy.

I WANT MY MOMMY!

2005-06-30T13:34:00.000-03:00

This post on RedMum almost got me crying. She talks about having a crazy fight with her 13 year old daughter.

I lost my mother to breast cancer in 1989. I was 11, going on 12. Part of me is forever 11. Part of me will always associate my mother with adjustable beds, those kidney shaped puke bowls, jaundice. The inevitable look of death she held those last few months. That last conversation we had that I cannot remember, aside from pushing her in a wheelchair. Did I block out the words? Did she tell me how much she loved me, but that the cancer was non-negotiable, would not relent, and was slowly eating her? Did she just sit, quietly, watching the daughter who was so unaware of how much her world was about to shift? Did she search for the words that don't exist?

I used to listen to girls, and now, women, complain about their mothers. How callous they are, how mean, how lazy, how cheap. All I hear is why they dislike their mothers.

Girls, Ladies-you know not what you do.

One day, your Mother's will no longer be here. I cherish my father, even when he drives me insane, because it's the little habits that make him lovely, and memorable. I don't remember most of my mother's, which is harder. Nor do I remember her voice, or her touch. I would love to have a fight, any kind of conversation, even a bad one.

Remember that. Someday you might miss all the fights you'll never have.

'It was ready for a steak."

2005-06-29T10:35:00.000-03:00

OMG. It's MASSIVE. Baby girl weighs in at nearly 14 pounds
Newborn nearly double the weight of average baby. Thank GOD there are C-Sections....AND she was three weeks EARLY.

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/parenting/06/29/big.baby.ap/index.html

I wonder...

2005-06-27T14:57:00.000-03:00

If I could be half as brave as she is.
http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/asiapcf/06/27/pakistan.rape.ap/index.html

I'm torn

2005-06-24T09:23:00.000-03:00

Half of me feels pity for this guy, the other half, rage.

Pity because he asked for help once, and didn't get it. He knew he was sick. He knew he was a threat. He knew it was just a matter of time. He was aware enough to know he would hurt someone. And no one helped him. No one watched him. And he did the bad thing he knew he would, and now, he seems truly repentant, and truly out of control. No one was there for him, no one stopped the inevitable.

Rage because regardless, he raped a child. My rage tells me to stone this man.

But mostly, I think he wants to die, because he vividly knows what he's done.

It would be easier if I could just hate him.

I'm her...

2005-06-23T10:57:00.000-03:00

I'm THAT woman now.2 years ago this day, I was FREAKING out, pregnant, worried about labour, birth plans, how would I be a parent, talking to EVERYONE about it, reading tons of books...Suddenly, I'm that woman for others.It's such a neat cycle, and being able to pass on what I've learned, it's kinda cool. My top things:

Your body knows what to do. Really, it does. You could go squat in a field, and most likely push out the puppy. It will hurt, but you can do it.
It's not pain as you know it. Yes, it hurts, I can't argue that. But it's not "I just chopped my hand off and threw it into some Chili at Wendy's" pain. It's pain with a purpose. Let yourself use the pain as a guide. It's pressure, and it's working with you. Relax and let your body do it's job.
Try to avoid the drugs-all of them. For my first, I was induced, and then needed the epidural. I felt weird and icky for days, I progressed WAYYYY to fast(I was only induced because my water broke without contractions, and I was stupid enough to go to the hospital 5 hours after that-I could have waited at least 12). My second, I had NO drugs because I went from nothing to birth in one hour, 50 minutes. Oh, that HURT alright-I will never rid myself of the image of an oyster being shucked as the head crowned and popped out. But I was just fine two seconds after, and I have a better sense of what happened after, and my body recovered quicker.
Do NOT blindly follow the doctor. Sadly, many want YOUR birth to accomodate their lives. Mine wanted to induce for the second because she was overdue past the ultrasound date. The ultrasound date said March 1. MY date, based on my cycle, was March 11. I knew that the baby would be fine to 42 weeks, which to me, would occur much later. AND as much as I wanted her off my bladder, I didn't want to interfere. I've never heard of a baby NOT coming out. And on her own time, according to MY calculations, she arrived March 9. DO YOU RESEARCH on methods, drugs, procedures. Come to your own conclusions, with the help of your doctor. For instance, in the hospital where I've given birth both times, the OB/GYN's tell women they don't need birth control if they breastfeed. Which is NOT true, and so the nurses run behind them telling women to NOT listen to that. (in this day and age of women supplementing, it's too big a risk). So educate yourself, and have an open dialogue with your doctor.
Enjoy your pregnancy. It's the COOLEST thing you'll ever do. I look at men all the time and say "I can make AND feed people. What can You do?" :)

I wish I was good at science. I'd LOVE to be a midwife.
I'm going to post this on both blogs, since it relates to both parts of me, and I'm WANTING to post on both, and I don't have the topics

Why is it....

2005-06-22T07:23:00.000-03:00

that men can TOTALLY ignore things right in front of them? The Dorf (my husband) sat in the kitchen one day as Vivian shared her crayons with the baby(i.e.-shoved them in babies mouth) and didn't notice a THING. Only when I, from the other room, noticed that quiet (moms, you KNOW what I mean) and got up, did he even look around...then the conversation went sorta like this..
me: "um, HELLO! Crayons in Rosalyn's mouth?!?"
him: hm wah?
me: She was feeding the baby crayons.
him; Really? That's kind of funny....
me: stomps out of room

Is there some weird man gene, that allows things like this, along with mess on walls, food being thrown, fingers in sockets, etc, to be ignored?

Tell me, what the stupidest thing your partner has ignored with the kids?

Gross Things my kid does

2005-06-21T10:38:00.000-03:00

Eat Soap (not sure why it's "num-nummy")
Poop in the tub AND play with it.
Chew on food, drop on floor, resume eating with fuzz
Eat fuzz on it's own
Wipe snot on me ("boogey nose")
Grab my underpants out of the laundry and wander around with them on her head.
Eat Play-Doh

She just won't get out of the oral phase-EVERYTHING is nibbled at least a tiny bit...

and Gigantor won't sleep through the night...sigh...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

2005-06-18T14:13:00.000-03:00

Although this is a mommy blog, here's a big HUG and dirty face toddler kiss to all the Daddy's, AND all the Mommy's who are Daddy out there!

And to my Dad! I LOVE you more than anything in the world! Your knowledge of exactly how much rope to give me has always been appreciated!

Have a great weekend Mommies!

Accident Prone Worry Poll

2005-06-17T12:58:00.000-03:00

So I've had this discussion with a few Mommy friends, and I'm wondering if we're alone in this, since I'm thinking more Mom's feel this way than talk about it.

We live in a world where EVERYONE is almost too paranoid about things-where sometimes we're too eager to stop the kids from hugging eachother at school, or messing around and have a guy wear a dress to the prom. And while in some ways, these are good things, I wonder...

I have one of those klutzy children who seems to bruise easily like I do, so her legs are covered in bruises. That got me to thinking. If I had to take her to the hospital because of one of her many dances down the stairs, I would be scared to do so out of the fear that they will think I'm beating her, and take both kids away.

Anyone else feel like this too? I know it's stupid, but I can't help it, and surprisingly enough, so do the women I know...

Times when a beating to death is warranted.

2005-06-17T09:08:00.000-03:00

On the news they had a shot of the father carrying his dead son (see story below as well), the head blurred because that's where he was shot. I cried for most of Rosalyn's feeding because of this.
Normally, I believe that the courts should deal with things. But there are two things that make me believe in eye for an eye.

ANY type of child abuse-sexual, physical, emotional. With proof, these people should be taken into a field and beaten to an inch of their lives, made better, beaten again, and suffer through this until they do die. These people do not deserve to foul the ground or air we walk on. And I speak as a childhood survivor of sexual abuse.
ANY thing like this, or Beslan. People who are so damaged that they resort to using children as shields or collateral-THEY should be SLOWLY drawn and quartered.

Why do I feel this way? Because there are certain crimes that are unforgivable, and in many cases, the courts give more jail time in fraud cases than child rape. I feel this way because some people are so damaged that they cannot be fixed. And yes, I feel this way because sometimes, I want revenge...

___________________________________

A 2-year-old Canadian boy was shot dead yesterday in the Cambodian tourist town of Siem Reap, the sole fatality after a day-long hostage crisis in a local school that triggered a massive security operation.
For a few fleeting hours yesterday, the eyes of the world were riveted on the yellow schoolhouse where masked gunmen held 70 foreign children and three teachers captive.
The drama seemed to end peacefully as the rescued children rushed into the arms of their parents from Japan, Australia, America, Britain, Ireland and other countries.
But for Martin Michalik, who arrived in this sleepy Cambodian tourist destination just a few months ago, there would be no homecoming for his 2-year-old son Maxim.
He soon learned his only child had been shot dead. Police quoted the gunmen as saying the boy had cried too much, but the grieving father said today his son's only mistake might have been that he went looking for his favourite book.
As little Maxim sought out the book, the bandits picked him up as a human shield.
"He was only 2 years old. He didn't understand what was going on," Michalik said in a telephone interview from Phnom Penh, the capital, where he arrived early this morning. "He was looking for a book he wanted to read."
Then he was shot in the head.
Michalik, 37, said that after talking to one of his son's teachers, he believes Maxim died in the hail of bullets after security forces raided the school in which he had just enrolled.
"The SWAT team started shooting, and that's how Maxim got killed. We don't know when this actually happened, but I think it was at the end. Supposedly it was accidental. He was not executed."
Michalik and his wife Michaela, both Slovak-born Canadian landed immigrants, said their son was born in Victoria, B.C., in 2003 while Michalik was working at a resort in British Columbia. They are taking the boy's body to Bangkok today and then to Slovakia for burial.
Prime Minister Paul Martin called Maxim's death a terrible tragedy. "It's quite clear that our hearts go out to the family. It is virtually incomprehensible, and I know that I speak for all Canadians when I say to the family that our thoughts and our prayers are with them at this time," Martin told reporters in Ottawa yesterday afternoon.
Michalik had moved his family to Cambodia a few months ago to start a new life as resident manager of a sumptuous five-star hotel, the Hotel de la Paix — the Peace Hotel — scheduled to open this summer.
Like other expatriates who have settled in this boomtown, they chose the Siem Reap International School, which employed security guards and the best teachers.
Now, police suspect disgruntled security guards may have been involved in the attack, hoping to ransom the children for cash, arms and a getaway vehicle. As the day wore on, the kidnappers released half of their captives, but the youngest — including Maxim — were kept behind.
Police raided the classroom and subdued four kidnappers after they "threatened to kill the other children one by one," Information Minister Khieu Kanharith said.
Mobs attacked the bandits in the aftermath, but police subdued the crowds and arrested the kidnappers, all Cambodians in their 20s.
Cambodian police later arrested a security guard suspected of masterminding the hostage-taking, officials said today.
The guard, 29-year-old Ul Samnang, worked at a souvenir shop and did not take an active part in the hostage drama, Siem Reap police chief Phoeng Chenda told Reuters.
Canadian diplomats declined yesterday to provide many details about the boy's death, saying they were bound by law to protect the family's privacy and that it was too early to know more about the attackers' motives.
Cambodian police said they gave the kidnappers a minivan and $30,000 (U.S.) in cash, but attacked the gunmen when they tried to escape.
"We could barely control the angry crowd," military police officer Prak Chanthoeun said.
Maxim was born after Michalik and his wife Michaela moved to Canada from Polynesia, said Markus Griesser, who worked with Michalik at the Aerie Resort and Spa, a five-star operation on Vancouver Island.
The family stayed in Canada for a year and a half before setting off for the Bahamas when Michalik was offered a job at another resort, Griesser told the Toronto Star's Scott Roberts.
Griesser was devastated upon hearing about the tragedy yesterday. He described Maxim as "perfect" and struggled to find the words to express his anguish.
"They are just outstanding people," Griesser said of the boy's parents. "They were completely dedicated to their family. I couldn't begin to describe how cranked up they were to have a son. He meant everything to them."
Griesser described Michalik as a good father who was looking forward to introducing hockey to his young son. "You could always see him and Maxim heading to the rink," he said.
Only a handful of Canadians live in Siem Reap, site of the 800-year-old Angkor Wat archaeological ruins that have been designated a world heritage site, according to Phloeun Prim, a Cambodian-Canadian who runs the Auberge Mt. Royal hotel.
Prim, who helps out at the Canadian Embassy as a volunteer in times of emergency, and who will soon be enrolling his own daughter in the school, said Siem Reap's tourist industry is now in a state of shock.
"It's a peaceful and quiet city. Nothing bad ever happens here," said Prim, who watched the Michalik family cheerfully take up residence a few months ago. "Now the news has spread around the world already."
Tour guide Saron Soeun, who spent hours outside the school yesterday, said he now feared for his own job. "All the tour guides are worried there won't be any more tourism in Siem Reap after this," he said.
Anxious to avoid any fallout for the industry, Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen told reporters the attackers did not belong to any "terrorist network."
In Ottawa, Conservative Leader Stephen Harper also offered his condolences. "Obviously it's very difficult for us to really imagine how the parents feel today, but they can be assured that they do have our thoughts and our prayers with them today."

what would you do?

2005-06-16T12:10:00.000-03:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20050616/ts_usatoday/womankeptaliveinhopesofsavingbaby

How on earth...

2005-06-16T10:40:00.000-03:00

do I let them go in 20 years?

How will I ever survive if something happens to one of them? Or worse, me? My mother died when I was 11, and I know how it affected me-how could I ever live with (or die with) the thought that I'm abandoning them?

Because I lost my mother, I will forever wait for the phone call telling me something is wrong. I love them so much it physically hurts, and I'm so afraid of having my heart utterly and totally broken if something was to happen. My heart has been broken in the past, but I've patched it together out of some strange will to live and keep growing. If something went wrong with them, I don't think it could be patched again.

But I made a decision that if the options are open my heart and take the chance, or never let my guard down and show them how I love them, that I'd rather the first. I want them to know, regardless of anything else, that I completely and totally loved them.

Can I trade this thin skin for a shell?

2005-06-15T17:32:00.000-03:00

Why is it that my feelings have gone from black and grey and white to total technicolor? Is it the hormones? Cause all I know is that I can barely keep it together anymore. I want to cry all the time. Just thinking about anything hurting my children, and I want to start bawling. Looking at them as they smile with that complete and utter trust, it almost breaks my heart, knowing that someday, it will be ruined.

Is it just me, or is this a Mom thing?

2005-06-15T13:33:00.000-03:00

SQUISHY! I'm huge and SQUISHY!

MUTANT BABY

2005-06-15T13:09:00.000-03:00

So, my darling three month old is a whopping 15 pounds 13 ounces.

Even the doctor couldn't believe it. And she STILL isn't sleeping through the night.

Why me?

2005-06-13T17:03:00.000-03:00

So I have two kids. Not that strange really-lots of people breed. The odd part is, I didn't try. I got pregnant through misuse, or idiocy both times. The second being a mercy session I didn't pay enough attention to.

I often wonder-why me? I never wanted kids, I've NEVER felt that maternal urge to procreate, never wanted anything other than a bunch of kitties. I sit on the bus today, and I hear these woman talking about their friends and daughters who want kids, and can't have them, tried for years and nothing, no reason, just no kids. I think of my friends who want babies so badly they can taste it, and nothing.

And yet I get pregnant without trying, or thinking about it.

This is why I can't believe in gods-because if there were any, then the people who want children, who can provide for them, they would have the children.

But on the other hand, maybe I am a better parent than they would be.

Or maybe it's all just shit luck.